After writing my last blog, I went back & read the stuff I wrote last year.
OHMYGOD I AM SO FREAKING NUTS.
Every other paragraph was about 'boyfriend'. Remember that dick? WHY was I so convinced that I LOVED him?! Lets get this straight, I was never in love with Nick B. I was just...obsessed.
I think it's actually a very good thing that he broke up with me when he did.
Even though I was depressed & not myself for about three months after. And that made the whole thing with John happen...& I sort of went a little crazy & did some things no one could be proud of...
Wow.
I'm not like that.
Really.
But...I almost wish I could go back to being me, before 'boyfriend' ever came along. I learned a lot from him & John, & later from Tim. But...I was so...relaxed.
Ohmygod I'm crazy.
Love & happy pills,
Ariel
Sunday, June 14, 2009
This is why I fail at life.
Soooo, I don't think every one realizes how crazy my mood-swings are.
My parents do, Mad might, Chris....Eh, not really. Every one else? NO.
That's part of why this blog-a-doo is so weird. I get some-what annoyed about some thing, write a blog, & when I go back to read it a month later it strikes me as extreamly angry & insane.
Like the thing I wrote about Tammi & the laundry. I really wasn't that mad!
Ok, ok, I was mad. But just about the soap! Really! I didn't think that she was trying to keep me out of clean clothes.
Or when I said ''Some times I hate my bestfriend," well...yeah, I get mad at her. But I think I've only hated her once. And that was for a good reason. Sort of. Well it seemed to be at the time.
Really, I get moody, I get depressed, I get extreamly excited, have highs of happiness that make me feel like the world is all sunshine & bubbles & hypo-allergenic cats. For a while I thought I was manic-depressive because of all that. I might be!
There is some thing not quite right in my head. Of this, I am sure. I have no idea what, or why, I've never told any one about it, but some thing is...not right.
It's hard to explain.
My parents do, Mad might, Chris....Eh, not really. Every one else? NO.
That's part of why this blog-a-doo is so weird. I get some-what annoyed about some thing, write a blog, & when I go back to read it a month later it strikes me as extreamly angry & insane.
Like the thing I wrote about Tammi & the laundry. I really wasn't that mad!
Ok, ok, I was mad. But just about the soap! Really! I didn't think that she was trying to keep me out of clean clothes.
Or when I said ''Some times I hate my bestfriend," well...yeah, I get mad at her. But I think I've only hated her once. And that was for a good reason. Sort of. Well it seemed to be at the time.
Really, I get moody, I get depressed, I get extreamly excited, have highs of happiness that make me feel like the world is all sunshine & bubbles & hypo-allergenic cats. For a while I thought I was manic-depressive because of all that. I might be!
There is some thing not quite right in my head. Of this, I am sure. I have no idea what, or why, I've never told any one about it, but some thing is...not right.
It's hard to explain.
Friday, May 8, 2009
ALL MY PANTS ARE DIRTY!
I am so fucking pissed off right now.
Tammi is the only person who has been doing laundry this week. I haven't actually been able to do any of my laundry because she always has some thing in the washer during my free time.
We have been to the grocery store three times in as many days.
I go downstairs this morning while Tammi is sleeping, hoping to wash some much needed clothing, only to find that we are totally out of detergant.
I'm broke, mom has the car, & I couldn't even get dressed to go to the store if I wanted to.
How am I suposed to wash my fucking clothes?
Why didn't she say some thing when we went to the store yesterday?
How much juice will I have to drink before I am able to pee on her laundry?
If I go buy soap, I'm going to hide it & not let her use any.
Stupid bitch.
Tammi is the only person who has been doing laundry this week. I haven't actually been able to do any of my laundry because she always has some thing in the washer during my free time.
We have been to the grocery store three times in as many days.
I go downstairs this morning while Tammi is sleeping, hoping to wash some much needed clothing, only to find that we are totally out of detergant.
I'm broke, mom has the car, & I couldn't even get dressed to go to the store if I wanted to.
How am I suposed to wash my fucking clothes?
Why didn't she say some thing when we went to the store yesterday?
How much juice will I have to drink before I am able to pee on her laundry?
If I go buy soap, I'm going to hide it & not let her use any.
Stupid bitch.
Monday, May 4, 2009
This is silly...
Every once in a while I'll realize some thing that's been right in front of my face for ages.
I realize I'm alive, I realize it's spring, I realize I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. It's a good feeling.
Today I realized, I'm happy! I guess I've been happy most of my life. But real, complete happiness has always been a thing of moments for me. I'm happy dancing for my favorite band, I'm happy in His arms, I'm happy sitting in this tree. But beyond those blissful moments, I'm happy with an underlying tension. I'm happy, but I'm worried, I'm happy, but I'm sad, I'm happy, but I feel lost.
But I think, I'm really happy!
Not that I have no worries, but, I'm pretty sure they aren't as important as they used to be.
I have a little over an hour 'till I have to leave for work, so I think I'm gonna' go outside & draw with chalk.
=^-^=
I realize I'm alive, I realize it's spring, I realize I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. It's a good feeling.
Today I realized, I'm happy! I guess I've been happy most of my life. But real, complete happiness has always been a thing of moments for me. I'm happy dancing for my favorite band, I'm happy in His arms, I'm happy sitting in this tree. But beyond those blissful moments, I'm happy with an underlying tension. I'm happy, but I'm worried, I'm happy, but I'm sad, I'm happy, but I feel lost.
But I think, I'm really happy!
Not that I have no worries, but, I'm pretty sure they aren't as important as they used to be.
I have a little over an hour 'till I have to leave for work, so I think I'm gonna' go outside & draw with chalk.
=^-^=
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Once upon a time there was a watch...
What the fuck-hole happend to March?! It's over all ready?! Wowza, I'm totally behind on the times!
(I use far to many exclamation points...)
Now it is April. Spring hath sprung! And the sky hath opend up in torents!
For Pete's sake, all this rain is driving me up the wall.(Actually, all this rain is making me feel like I ought to crawl in a hole & die.)
At work yesterday I realized that it was April first(why I haden't figured this out before is any one's guess). I got so excited that March was over that I ran(casually speed-walked) to the callender to count how many days there were before Chris & I go to New Jersey in May.(50 at the time, now it's 49)
I can not wait 'till May! Our trip is just a month away! I'm turning into Dr. Suess! To quit this ryme would be no use!
But ofcourse, realizing that the trip is so close(yet still so far!) sent me into a tail-spin of worry.
How much should I pack?
What's the airlines weight limmit for checked lugage?
What will I do with my extra stuff if it turns out that I've packed to much?
If I'm over prepaired will every one think I'm high matinence?
If I'm unprepaired will they think I'm stupid?
What will the weather be like when we get there?
Should I pack extra pants?
What about a jacket?
How many pairs of shoes should I bring?
OH GOD, I CAN'T STOP MAKING PACKING LISTS IN MY HEAD!
I am insane.
I really need to start saving money. As it is, I sort of feel like, I have no reason not to spend, so if I feel like buying a couple cute dresses for this summer, what's the harm? But I really want to move out of my mum & da's house ASAP, & for that, I shall need the money.
Part of the whole moving out thing is deciding if I really want to stay in Rockford. I'm young, I have a chance to leave this crap-hole before I'm stuck! But I don't think Chris really wants to leave, & I'm not prepaired to leave him.
Speak of the devil, Chris is here. So I shall end this before I really let crazy out of the bottle.
Love & tampons,
Ariel
(I use far to many exclamation points...)
Now it is April. Spring hath sprung! And the sky hath opend up in torents!
For Pete's sake, all this rain is driving me up the wall.(Actually, all this rain is making me feel like I ought to crawl in a hole & die.)
At work yesterday I realized that it was April first(why I haden't figured this out before is any one's guess). I got so excited that March was over that I ran(casually speed-walked) to the callender to count how many days there were before Chris & I go to New Jersey in May.(50 at the time, now it's 49)
I can not wait 'till May! Our trip is just a month away! I'm turning into Dr. Suess! To quit this ryme would be no use!
But ofcourse, realizing that the trip is so close(yet still so far!) sent me into a tail-spin of worry.
How much should I pack?
What's the airlines weight limmit for checked lugage?
What will I do with my extra stuff if it turns out that I've packed to much?
If I'm over prepaired will every one think I'm high matinence?
If I'm unprepaired will they think I'm stupid?
What will the weather be like when we get there?
Should I pack extra pants?
What about a jacket?
How many pairs of shoes should I bring?
OH GOD, I CAN'T STOP MAKING PACKING LISTS IN MY HEAD!
I am insane.
I really need to start saving money. As it is, I sort of feel like, I have no reason not to spend, so if I feel like buying a couple cute dresses for this summer, what's the harm? But I really want to move out of my mum & da's house ASAP, & for that, I shall need the money.
Part of the whole moving out thing is deciding if I really want to stay in Rockford. I'm young, I have a chance to leave this crap-hole before I'm stuck! But I don't think Chris really wants to leave, & I'm not prepaired to leave him.
Speak of the devil, Chris is here. So I shall end this before I really let crazy out of the bottle.
Love & tampons,
Ariel
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
What happens to the people you forget?
Some times I think I might just hate my best friend. She really gets on my nerves some times. She's really judgemental, & she's self centered, & she acts like she knows every thing.
Fuck. And whenever I point out her short-comings she gets really offended & freaks out.
We're IMing right now:
Mad: What's up?
Air: I want to kill myself, I hate the weather & stupid Ramen Noodles.
And what does she say? Any thing about my bad day?
Mad: I really really really want to learn how to play this song!
WTF?!
Fuck. And whenever I point out her short-comings she gets really offended & freaks out.
We're IMing right now:
Mad: What's up?
Air: I want to kill myself, I hate the weather & stupid Ramen Noodles.
And what does she say? Any thing about my bad day?
Mad: I really really really want to learn how to play this song!
WTF?!
Please pardon my perplexing pants, they're a potent part of participating in piracy.
Would you think I was completely crazy if I said that I think some one might be trying to poison me? Yes? Alright then, forget I said any thing!
Mad & I went to see Chris's band play last friday.
I was feeling tired, & moody & didn't really want to be there. Mad was no help, since she was hungry, moody & didn't want to be there either.
It's not that I didn't want to be with Chris, or that I didn't want to see the band play, it's just...All of his friends are much older than me, (which is to be expected when you are a 17 year old dating a 20 year old,) & I feel like a little kid. The fact that I don't drink or smoke doesn't help either.
Over-all I'm glad I went. Watching Chris & the boys(Adam, AKA A.P., Brian, & Corey, AKA 'The Co.') play made up for the rest of the night. They are so rad!
Next time though, I think I'll bring snacks.
As of July 19th, I will oficialy be and adult. Whatever that means. So I guess I'm gonna' have to try an' do some thing with myself...Ugh.
I just enrolled at RVC. I have to take a placement test before I can sign up for classes, since I'm a new student & I want to go full time.(I wanted to go part time, but I'll get dropped from my mom's insurance if I get less than 12 credit hours, or some thing like that.)
Erica, my sort-of-cousin/co-worker, took me driving Sunday. I got to drive up to Dekalb! We stopped & said hi to a family she used to work for, & got food at Pita Petes. It was pretty cool, we got to talk a lot on the way there & back, since her car doesn't have a sterio.
I'm almost done reading the Watchmen! Did I mention Chris got me the book for Valentines day? I don't want to be a spoiler but I was really upset when some one was killed by so & so. And I can just marvel at Rorschach's ingenuity! Oh & when Dr. Manhattan changed his mind! I was shocked! He didn't seem to have any emotion whatsoever up until then.
When I started writing todays' blog, I wasn't feeling well at all. I wasn't feeling bad, so much as gloomy. I'm feeling better now, I guess some times I just need to sit & write some silly thoughts. It's relaxing.
Any-hoo, I have nothing more that I can say on the internet with out getting myself & others into much trouble. Have a lovely day!
Love & chickpeas,
Ariel
Mad & I went to see Chris's band play last friday.
I was feeling tired, & moody & didn't really want to be there. Mad was no help, since she was hungry, moody & didn't want to be there either.
It's not that I didn't want to be with Chris, or that I didn't want to see the band play, it's just...All of his friends are much older than me, (which is to be expected when you are a 17 year old dating a 20 year old,) & I feel like a little kid. The fact that I don't drink or smoke doesn't help either.
Over-all I'm glad I went. Watching Chris & the boys(Adam, AKA A.P., Brian, & Corey, AKA 'The Co.') play made up for the rest of the night. They are so rad!
Next time though, I think I'll bring snacks.
As of July 19th, I will oficialy be and adult. Whatever that means. So I guess I'm gonna' have to try an' do some thing with myself...Ugh.
I just enrolled at RVC. I have to take a placement test before I can sign up for classes, since I'm a new student & I want to go full time.(I wanted to go part time, but I'll get dropped from my mom's insurance if I get less than 12 credit hours, or some thing like that.)
Erica, my sort-of-cousin/co-worker, took me driving Sunday. I got to drive up to Dekalb! We stopped & said hi to a family she used to work for, & got food at Pita Petes. It was pretty cool, we got to talk a lot on the way there & back, since her car doesn't have a sterio.
I'm almost done reading the Watchmen! Did I mention Chris got me the book for Valentines day? I don't want to be a spoiler but I was really upset when some one was killed by so & so. And I can just marvel at Rorschach's ingenuity! Oh & when Dr. Manhattan changed his mind! I was shocked! He didn't seem to have any emotion whatsoever up until then.
When I started writing todays' blog, I wasn't feeling well at all. I wasn't feeling bad, so much as gloomy. I'm feeling better now, I guess some times I just need to sit & write some silly thoughts. It's relaxing.
Any-hoo, I have nothing more that I can say on the internet with out getting myself & others into much trouble. Have a lovely day!
Love & chickpeas,
Ariel
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