Singin' in the rain, I'm singin' in the rain!

I can't sleep. Again. This seems to be a growing trend in my life. No matter how tired I am, when I lay down & close my eyes, it's like I just drank a steaming hot pot of coffee. Or three. Unwanted thoughts, hidden in the shadows during the day, creep & crawl through my head at night. Some times I feel so paranoid, I start to panic. It's like spiders under my skin.

So here I am, in my pj's, at one in the morning, writing a blog, & eating ice-cream. (I swear I am going to gain 50 pounds while I'm here.)

I can not wait to go home. Mum & dad have both asked me to finnish at least one semester at Cochise before I move back. But I don't know if I can wait that long.

You know that dumb saying, home is where the heart is? Well, as it turns out, that dumb saying is totally true.

Fuck me for falling in love. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Some times I wonder if I'm making a huge mistake. Moving back to Rockford for Chris.

I wonder if my mom ever feels like she made a huge mistake. She fell in love, & married my dad when she was just 19. She didn't finnish college, because my parents decided to have me, before my dad was shipped off to Saudi Arabia. She was only 20.

Not that I plan on getting married, or having children any time soon. But I'm sort of doing the same thing. Like mother, like daughter?

I never pictured my life going like this. Actually, I never really saw myself falling in love. Not like this. Sure, every girl wants a prince, (or princess) but...I never thought it would happen.

I'm...happy. When I think about what Chris & I have. But right now...I think he sort of hates me. To him, it feels like I didn't love him enough to stay. I feel so...awful. I feel guilty, for hurting him. That's the last thing I wanted to do.

Even though I'm not really happy here right now, & I can't wait to go home, I think I'd be just as un-happy if I had stayed. The grass is always greener, right? I would have watched my mother, my brother, & my father, leave. Move away to sunny Arizona. And I would have hated Chris for making me stay. But now I know that this isn't where I need to be. So it's more like...an extended vacation. I get to hang out with my family, & meet some new friends, but soon I'll head for my real home.

Soooo....enough sad talk. I am not in the like. I've been crying every day for weeks, so I could use happy thoughts.

Ehh, happy thoughts are not forth-coming. So I shall end this for now.

Love & prozac,
Ariel