Last night I made a sort of realization. Well, I was sort of realizing some thing I already knew in the back of my mind.
I've been feeling really...neurotic, & a little clingy about Chris. At first I was blaming myself, thinking that it must be hormones or...I don't know...But I figured, Chris is being normal, I'm being neurotic, who's at fault? Me. But I'm not. I've been acting emotional & insecure because he's been acting different. He doesn't kiss me, he's not as goofy, he doesn't text me through out the day like he used to. He barely talks to me, when we hang out, we sit around & watch TV.
I guess I just feel like, he can't deal with me leaving, so he's slowly pushing me away. Putting a wedge between us. And it's breaking my fucking heart.
Fuck. I'm crying again. I'm going to melt into a puddle if I keep this up.
Have I ever mentioned that I hate boys? All they do is break your heart.
I thought we agreed that we're going to try the long distance thing? I thought we both wanted to stay together. But maybe I was wrong.
Last time I felt like this, like my wonderful boyfriend (Nick) was acting weird, not as affectionate, I decided to stick it out, maybe he was just having a rough time at work or some thing. And then he stomped all over my heart. So what am I suposed to expect this time? I told myself that if I ever got this feeling again, I would end things before I could get hurt. But how could I do that? I love Chris, I really do, how could I leave him for real?
But if he really loves me, how could he hurt me like this?
Goddamn it! Goddamnfuckingassshittitscockbitchmotherfucker.
I want to scream, & I want to cry, & I want to hug him, & punch him in the face all at the same time.
RAWR!
I wish I was a dinosaur. Things would be so much better that way.
My brain is to over loaded right now. I need to stop thinking.
Love & troll-dolls,
Ariel
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