I can't sleep. Again. This seems to be a growing trend in my life. No matter how tired I am, when I lay down & close my eyes, it's like I just drank a steaming hot pot of coffee. Or three. Unwanted thoughts, hidden in the shadows during the day, creep & crawl through my head at night. Some times I feel so paranoid, I start to panic. It's like spiders under my skin.
So here I am, in my pj's, at one in the morning, writing a blog, & eating ice-cream. (I swear I am going to gain 50 pounds while I'm here.)
I can not wait to go home. Mum & dad have both asked me to finnish at least one semester at Cochise before I move back. But I don't know if I can wait that long.
You know that dumb saying, home is where the heart is? Well, as it turns out, that dumb saying is totally true.
Fuck me for falling in love. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Some times I wonder if I'm making a huge mistake. Moving back to Rockford for Chris.
I wonder if my mom ever feels like she made a huge mistake. She fell in love, & married my dad when she was just 19. She didn't finnish college, because my parents decided to have me, before my dad was shipped off to Saudi Arabia. She was only 20.
Not that I plan on getting married, or having children any time soon. But I'm sort of doing the same thing. Like mother, like daughter?
I never pictured my life going like this. Actually, I never really saw myself falling in love. Not like this. Sure, every girl wants a prince, (or princess) but...I never thought it would happen.
I'm...happy. When I think about what Chris & I have. But right now...I think he sort of hates me. To him, it feels like I didn't love him enough to stay. I feel so...awful. I feel guilty, for hurting him. That's the last thing I wanted to do.
Even though I'm not really happy here right now, & I can't wait to go home, I think I'd be just as un-happy if I had stayed. The grass is always greener, right? I would have watched my mother, my brother, & my father, leave. Move away to sunny Arizona. And I would have hated Chris for making me stay. But now I know that this isn't where I need to be. So it's more like...an extended vacation. I get to hang out with my family, & meet some new friends, but soon I'll head for my real home.
Soooo....enough sad talk. I am not in the like. I've been crying every day for weeks, so I could use happy thoughts.
Ehh, happy thoughts are not forth-coming. So I shall end this for now.
Love & prozac,
Ariel
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
ARGH!
I'm taking a break from painting right now. When I started last night it was relaxing & peaceful & painting #1 turned out awesome. But then I decided to paint another to match it, I wanted them to tell a story. But I can not get the second one right. First the background was all wrong, & the colors were to dark to paint over. So I had this awesome idea, I'll just cut out the main focal point, paint a new background, & glue my focal point on. It'll look interesting & give the picture a little more depth. So I cut it out, started painting a new background, & it turned out AWFUL. Worse then the first. That's when I put my brush down, & took a step back. If I'm getting annoyed, frustrated, or pissed off while I'm painting, it's time for a break. A good, long, break. And some food.
I really like the idea behind the two paintings, & I'd really like to finnish the second. I just hope I get it right next time. If not then....I'll just stick to sewing instead of painting.
Love & water colors,
Ariel
I really like the idea behind the two paintings, & I'd really like to finnish the second. I just hope I get it right next time. If not then....I'll just stick to sewing instead of painting.
Love & water colors,
Ariel
Pick a peck of pickled peppers
Sssoooo, Arizona is driving me mad. That's not true, I love Arizona as much as I always have. My family is driving me mad.
I guess my grandparents (on my mum's side) are very anti-homeschooling. They don't believe you can get a good education at home.
Which I find a little insulting, I mean, I turned out alright didn't I? Except for my issues with math, but that's my fault, not my parents, they tried every thing to get me to learn. But I'm very stuborn when I want to be. Other than that though, I have a good grounding in every thing you'd learn in school, better than most kids in public schools. And I have a pretty high IQ.
Anyway, they have been presuring mum to put Aaron in school. All my grandpa ever talks about is getting Aaron caught up & putting him in a "good school". He even mentioned it in church! (More on that later.) He's taking it way to far. Grandpa even told Aaron that home schooling is illegal in Arizona. When I confronted him about it (since that's not true, home schooling is legal in all 50 states) he changed his story multipul times. (He said, he never said that, he said I misunderstood him, he said, it's not illegal, but there are important rules, & more.) Mums' getting really upsett, she said, grandpa has a habbit of over-riding people, & acting like their opinions are meaningless. If he doesn't back off & let her do what she wants, she's going to send my dad to come pick us up, & move us right back to Illinois.
Moving back would be fine with me, since I plan to anyway. But it would suck if my grandparents would push my mom so far. She wants to move, she wants to be here, with her family. But they aren't being very suportive at the moment. Also, it would suck since my dad was planning on moving to Tucson to be closer to us, he might have to rethink his plans if we are staying in Illinois.
This is actually really bothering me. It's getting to the point where I don't want to spend any time with my grandpa, or even talk to him. I don't know if he's noticed, but I'm very short with him. I only speak to him when he asks a direct question. I guess I'm being rude, but he's being worse. He can't stop talking about putting Aaron in school, & doesn't care what mum thinks.
Why do I have such a messed up family? Seriously, it wears on your nerves, to constantly put up with every one's craziness. Both sides of my family, they're just...nuts! I'm starting to think I might be the sanest leaf on the family tree.
But every thing will turn out alright, I'm sure. I was feeling awful last night, but I wrote a list of all the things stressing me out, & realized, it's not that bad. My family will be fine, in Arizona or Illinois. I'll get a job, I'll get through school. I'll work & work & get my dream house--with Chris of course. Getting a house I love is the most important thing, haha.
No one's going to die, no one's starving to death. Family drama happens to the best of us. Some times people just can't see eye-to-eye. It sucks, but that's how things work.
It's funny though, I wrote this list last night, & this morning Mad texted me to ask if every thing is alright. Apparently, last night she had a dream that I was hating it in Arizona. She knows me to well, haha.
I'm almost done making Chris's anniversary gift. A month late! Hah, better late than never I guess. I think he'll like it. I hope so anyway!
I've also been thinking about Christmas gifts for every one. I have mum, dad, Aaron, Mad, & Katriel's planned out. But I'm not sure about my grandparents, or Jiel.(Not sure if that's how you spell her name.) I started making some thing for Chris, & I really like it, but I'm not sure if it's good enough. :-/ Ohh, art. It's hard to tell if some thing I made is good, or if I just like it because I made it. I asked Aaron for his opinion, but he's not very constructive. He'll tell me what he likes about whatever-it-is, but can never think of any thing he doesn't like about it. I wish Mad was here to tell me what she thinks. I thought about sending her a picture, but my cell phone really doesn't do it justice. You can't see all the details.
In other news, I've been thinking about becoming a librarian. When I was younger, I thought it must be the most boring job in the world, but I've been looking into it, & I talked to one of the YA librarians here in Douglas, (his names Curtis, he's really cool, he hosts the teen nights at the library, & calls himself ''the youngest teen in Douglas) & I actually think librarian would be a good fit for me. I've spent my whole life in librarys, I love them. I was on a first name basis with a couple librarians in Rockford. If I love them so much, why shouldn't I work for one? I'd have to get my masters though, which stinks, I did not want to spend that much time in school.
Oh, another thought, my journal is almost out of pages, I think I have 4 left. And I don't have a blank one with me. Sadface. =[
Well that's all for now folks.
Love & peppers,
Ariel
I guess my grandparents (on my mum's side) are very anti-homeschooling. They don't believe you can get a good education at home.
Which I find a little insulting, I mean, I turned out alright didn't I? Except for my issues with math, but that's my fault, not my parents, they tried every thing to get me to learn. But I'm very stuborn when I want to be. Other than that though, I have a good grounding in every thing you'd learn in school, better than most kids in public schools. And I have a pretty high IQ.
Anyway, they have been presuring mum to put Aaron in school. All my grandpa ever talks about is getting Aaron caught up & putting him in a "good school". He even mentioned it in church! (More on that later.) He's taking it way to far. Grandpa even told Aaron that home schooling is illegal in Arizona. When I confronted him about it (since that's not true, home schooling is legal in all 50 states) he changed his story multipul times. (He said, he never said that, he said I misunderstood him, he said, it's not illegal, but there are important rules, & more.) Mums' getting really upsett, she said, grandpa has a habbit of over-riding people, & acting like their opinions are meaningless. If he doesn't back off & let her do what she wants, she's going to send my dad to come pick us up, & move us right back to Illinois.
Moving back would be fine with me, since I plan to anyway. But it would suck if my grandparents would push my mom so far. She wants to move, she wants to be here, with her family. But they aren't being very suportive at the moment. Also, it would suck since my dad was planning on moving to Tucson to be closer to us, he might have to rethink his plans if we are staying in Illinois.
This is actually really bothering me. It's getting to the point where I don't want to spend any time with my grandpa, or even talk to him. I don't know if he's noticed, but I'm very short with him. I only speak to him when he asks a direct question. I guess I'm being rude, but he's being worse. He can't stop talking about putting Aaron in school, & doesn't care what mum thinks.
Why do I have such a messed up family? Seriously, it wears on your nerves, to constantly put up with every one's craziness. Both sides of my family, they're just...nuts! I'm starting to think I might be the sanest leaf on the family tree.
But every thing will turn out alright, I'm sure. I was feeling awful last night, but I wrote a list of all the things stressing me out, & realized, it's not that bad. My family will be fine, in Arizona or Illinois. I'll get a job, I'll get through school. I'll work & work & get my dream house--with Chris of course. Getting a house I love is the most important thing, haha.
No one's going to die, no one's starving to death. Family drama happens to the best of us. Some times people just can't see eye-to-eye. It sucks, but that's how things work.
It's funny though, I wrote this list last night, & this morning Mad texted me to ask if every thing is alright. Apparently, last night she had a dream that I was hating it in Arizona. She knows me to well, haha.
I'm almost done making Chris's anniversary gift. A month late! Hah, better late than never I guess. I think he'll like it. I hope so anyway!
I've also been thinking about Christmas gifts for every one. I have mum, dad, Aaron, Mad, & Katriel's planned out. But I'm not sure about my grandparents, or Jiel.(Not sure if that's how you spell her name.) I started making some thing for Chris, & I really like it, but I'm not sure if it's good enough. :-/ Ohh, art. It's hard to tell if some thing I made is good, or if I just like it because I made it. I asked Aaron for his opinion, but he's not very constructive. He'll tell me what he likes about whatever-it-is, but can never think of any thing he doesn't like about it. I wish Mad was here to tell me what she thinks. I thought about sending her a picture, but my cell phone really doesn't do it justice. You can't see all the details.
In other news, I've been thinking about becoming a librarian. When I was younger, I thought it must be the most boring job in the world, but I've been looking into it, & I talked to one of the YA librarians here in Douglas, (his names Curtis, he's really cool, he hosts the teen nights at the library, & calls himself ''the youngest teen in Douglas) & I actually think librarian would be a good fit for me. I've spent my whole life in librarys, I love them. I was on a first name basis with a couple librarians in Rockford. If I love them so much, why shouldn't I work for one? I'd have to get my masters though, which stinks, I did not want to spend that much time in school.
Oh, another thought, my journal is almost out of pages, I think I have 4 left. And I don't have a blank one with me. Sadface. =[
Well that's all for now folks.
Love & peppers,
Ariel
Friday, November 13, 2009
Hello, old friend.
Well we've made it to Arizona.
Woopie!
I miss Chris, like mad. But I think I'm handling it alright, I just have to remember this is only for a little while.
I took my placement test at Cochise. Oh gosh, it was...awful. Well, not really. I did really well on English & reading (as always), but the math...I did worse than last time. They placed me in...Math 78. (Or some thing like that, I know it was in the 70's.) I could re-test if I wanted, but I think I'll just deal with it, at least I'll be starting with an easy course & can work my way up. I wish I hadn't been so stuborn about math as a kid. I wish my mum had forced me to do the work. Math is just...so boring! I swear, all the rules just go in one ear & out the other.
Um...Let me think. I'm sure there were things I was going to write about...
Well I went around collecting applications a couple days ago. I still need to go back to a few places. I want a job!
Um...I don't know. I'm tired, I'm done writing for now. I guess I'll post more later.
Love & canyons,
Ariel
Woopie!
I miss Chris, like mad. But I think I'm handling it alright, I just have to remember this is only for a little while.
I took my placement test at Cochise. Oh gosh, it was...awful. Well, not really. I did really well on English & reading (as always), but the math...I did worse than last time. They placed me in...Math 78. (Or some thing like that, I know it was in the 70's.) I could re-test if I wanted, but I think I'll just deal with it, at least I'll be starting with an easy course & can work my way up. I wish I hadn't been so stuborn about math as a kid. I wish my mum had forced me to do the work. Math is just...so boring! I swear, all the rules just go in one ear & out the other.
Um...Let me think. I'm sure there were things I was going to write about...
Well I went around collecting applications a couple days ago. I still need to go back to a few places. I want a job!
Um...I don't know. I'm tired, I'm done writing for now. I guess I'll post more later.
Love & canyons,
Ariel
Monday, November 2, 2009
My milk-shake brings all the boys to the yard...
My goodness, it's been quite a while since I last updated!
Here's the skinny:
Rusty (my dog, who has been living with my grandparents in Arazona) died. We have no idea what happend. One day he was fine, the next, he wouldn't eat, wouldn't drink, & since it was a sunday in Douglas, my grandparents couldn't take him to the vet. I'm still upset, but I guess I'm moving on. Aaron took it pretty hard. For him, seeing Rusty again was one of the few upsides of moving.
Friday, I went with Chris to a Halloween party at his friend's house. It was fun, not very exciting. Except I was jumped on at least three times by a drunk girl. Haha. She was funny, she came over to Chris & I about six times to tell us how glad she was that we came.
Also on Friday, Dad, Aaron & I went over to Grandma's house. We finally got to look at pictures from my dad's childhood. It was pretty cool. Also, it was my Oma's birthday. So we all sang & ate cake. My Oma is 94! Not only is she 94, but she's still healthy & young! She still DRIVES! I mean, if I didn't know her, I'd guess that she was in her 60's or 70's. She says it's all about taking care of yourself, & having a good attitude. She says, "Sick? I'm not getting sick. I wont have any of that! I don't have time to be sick, so I don't get sick." She swears she's going to live to be 120, & I totally believe her.
Saturday was my last day at work. Well, that's not true, since I called in sick. I wasn't going to, 'cause every one always calls in on their last day, & it always annoys me, since it leaves you a person short. But Bailey was really rude to me, & I was just like, you know what? Fuck it. I don't have to put up with your shit any more! I have to run in today & pick up my check from last friday though.
Saturday night Mad & I took the shorts' trick or treating. (We were trick or treating as well, obviously!) My pumpkin faerie outfit was pure win! Every one was talking about it, & one woman even asked for my picture! :D Being a pumpkin head was a great idea.
Sunday, was suposed to be Ericka's crafternoon. I was really looking forward to it, since I'd get to see most of my favorite cafe peeps before leaving town. But alas, it was not to be. Ericka fell sick, & may have the flu. (Hopefully not swine!)
I went over to Chris's house Sunday afternoon. We spent most of the day together. But honestly, I spent most of our time together sleeping. I have no idea why I was so tired, but I think I slept at least two hours. Chris got bored & watched TV while I was snoozing.
Chris finally gave me a gift for our anniversary! He bought me the box set of Neon Genesis Evangelion! (Happiness) I'm just getting started on his, & since I don't have my sewing machine, it's going to take AGES!
Also, Chris let me use his discount at work, so instead of a boring black guitar case (I needed a hardshell for my electric, since we're moving) I got a PINK SPARKLY CASE WITH PURPLE PLUSH INTERIOR! It is so, AWESOME.
Oh, speaking of moving. The date has been moved up! Mum has to stay in town a little longer than she thought, but my grands' are anxious to see us, (I guess?) so Aaron & I are taking the train down. We're leaving Thursday! After putting it off & putting it off, not knowing when we're really going to move, this feels like a huge leap forward. We're leaving in less than a week! Oh gosh, how am I suposed to find time to wash all my clothes, help my mum & Aaron pack, spend as much time with Chris & Mad as I can, & say goodbye to all my friends?! EGADS!
I'm kind of excited though. I'm glad it's finally happening. Although, I'm going to miss Chris like crazy. If every thing goes as planned, I'll be moving back in a year. Give or take a few months. If Chris & I stay together, stay in love. I think I'll transfer to NIU, I can dorm there & stay with Chris on the weekends & stuff. Hopefully he'll have moved out of his mom's house by then. (He's planning on moving out, it just hasn't happend yet.)
Oh my cell phones back on! Woot! My dad just turned it on today!
Ok....What else is going on?
Oh! My Grandfather (my dad's real father, not my grandpa) got in touch with me over facebook a little while ago! I was thrilled. He told me all about what's going on in his life, & said that if I ever wanted to come visit, just say the word! I think maybe this summer or next I would like to visit him. You know, when all the dust settles.
Anyway, I have to get a move on, both Mad & Chris want to hang out today, & I still need to shower!
Love & Latkes,
Ariel
P.S. Here's a question for you, Jewish people don't eat pork, right? Genetically modified tomatoes have pig genes. Does that mean that Jews' can no longer eat tomatoes?
Here's the skinny:
Rusty (my dog, who has been living with my grandparents in Arazona) died. We have no idea what happend. One day he was fine, the next, he wouldn't eat, wouldn't drink, & since it was a sunday in Douglas, my grandparents couldn't take him to the vet. I'm still upset, but I guess I'm moving on. Aaron took it pretty hard. For him, seeing Rusty again was one of the few upsides of moving.
Friday, I went with Chris to a Halloween party at his friend's house. It was fun, not very exciting. Except I was jumped on at least three times by a drunk girl. Haha. She was funny, she came over to Chris & I about six times to tell us how glad she was that we came.
Also on Friday, Dad, Aaron & I went over to Grandma's house. We finally got to look at pictures from my dad's childhood. It was pretty cool. Also, it was my Oma's birthday. So we all sang & ate cake. My Oma is 94! Not only is she 94, but she's still healthy & young! She still DRIVES! I mean, if I didn't know her, I'd guess that she was in her 60's or 70's. She says it's all about taking care of yourself, & having a good attitude. She says, "Sick? I'm not getting sick. I wont have any of that! I don't have time to be sick, so I don't get sick." She swears she's going to live to be 120, & I totally believe her.
Saturday was my last day at work. Well, that's not true, since I called in sick. I wasn't going to, 'cause every one always calls in on their last day, & it always annoys me, since it leaves you a person short. But Bailey was really rude to me, & I was just like, you know what? Fuck it. I don't have to put up with your shit any more! I have to run in today & pick up my check from last friday though.
Saturday night Mad & I took the shorts' trick or treating. (We were trick or treating as well, obviously!) My pumpkin faerie outfit was pure win! Every one was talking about it, & one woman even asked for my picture! :D Being a pumpkin head was a great idea.
Sunday, was suposed to be Ericka's crafternoon. I was really looking forward to it, since I'd get to see most of my favorite cafe peeps before leaving town. But alas, it was not to be. Ericka fell sick, & may have the flu. (Hopefully not swine!)
I went over to Chris's house Sunday afternoon. We spent most of the day together. But honestly, I spent most of our time together sleeping. I have no idea why I was so tired, but I think I slept at least two hours. Chris got bored & watched TV while I was snoozing.
Chris finally gave me a gift for our anniversary! He bought me the box set of Neon Genesis Evangelion! (Happiness) I'm just getting started on his, & since I don't have my sewing machine, it's going to take AGES!
Also, Chris let me use his discount at work, so instead of a boring black guitar case (I needed a hardshell for my electric, since we're moving) I got a PINK SPARKLY CASE WITH PURPLE PLUSH INTERIOR! It is so, AWESOME.
Oh, speaking of moving. The date has been moved up! Mum has to stay in town a little longer than she thought, but my grands' are anxious to see us, (I guess?) so Aaron & I are taking the train down. We're leaving Thursday! After putting it off & putting it off, not knowing when we're really going to move, this feels like a huge leap forward. We're leaving in less than a week! Oh gosh, how am I suposed to find time to wash all my clothes, help my mum & Aaron pack, spend as much time with Chris & Mad as I can, & say goodbye to all my friends?! EGADS!
I'm kind of excited though. I'm glad it's finally happening. Although, I'm going to miss Chris like crazy. If every thing goes as planned, I'll be moving back in a year. Give or take a few months. If Chris & I stay together, stay in love. I think I'll transfer to NIU, I can dorm there & stay with Chris on the weekends & stuff. Hopefully he'll have moved out of his mom's house by then. (He's planning on moving out, it just hasn't happend yet.)
Oh my cell phones back on! Woot! My dad just turned it on today!
Ok....What else is going on?
Oh! My Grandfather (my dad's real father, not my grandpa) got in touch with me over facebook a little while ago! I was thrilled. He told me all about what's going on in his life, & said that if I ever wanted to come visit, just say the word! I think maybe this summer or next I would like to visit him. You know, when all the dust settles.
Anyway, I have to get a move on, both Mad & Chris want to hang out today, & I still need to shower!
Love & Latkes,
Ariel
P.S. Here's a question for you, Jewish people don't eat pork, right? Genetically modified tomatoes have pig genes. Does that mean that Jews' can no longer eat tomatoes?
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