writers block

Hello dear blog! How was your Christmas? Mine was surprisingly good.

Christmas eve, Uncle Jerry, Tony(my awesome cousin), Jael(Grandma's best friend), Katriel(Jael's daughter), Alan(Jael's brother), & Jael's mom, all came over for dinner. It was really fun. Oh, my Uncle Jason is also here for the hollidays!

Christmas day, we all went over to my Aunt Margie's for dinner & such. It was much quieter than the night before, but still fun.

I felt rather guilty Christmas day. I received lots of great gifts from...every one! Even Jael & Katriel gave me some thing. I feel greatful, but undeserving, since I didn't get any one any thing. I'm sure every one understands, but I wish I could have done some thing. I have so many family members & friends that I love, that are important to me, I wish I could have given every one the presents they deserve.

Oh well, I'll do my best to make it up next year!

Before the hollidays, mom finally moved down here! Dad helped her move, & he brought my Uncle Will, (who is thinking about moving to Tucson) & the best before-Christmas present ever, Madeleine! I wish I'd had more time to spend with my dad & Mad, but it was awesome to see them again.

Now what? Um....Well, I'm feel extreamly angsty for various reasons. But...I don't really feel like writing about that right now. In fact, I think I'm done with this blog. I'm tired of writing about my life's drama.

Love & beans,
Ariel

Hello darkness, my old friend

Dear Universe,

You are cruel, harsh, unfair, twisted. You just can't let me live a peaceful life, can you? You have plans & intentions to big for me to get my head around.

All I want is to live a happy life, but you wont stand for that will you? You have to take every dream & turn it into a nightmare.

What's your problem anyway?

Spitefully yours,
Ariel

RAWR

Dear (any one),

Please give me a job.

I learn quick, & always work hard. I'm hardly ever late, & I swear I wont call in sick unless I'm really sick.

I know I'm young, & sort of inexperienced, & there are plenty of other people who want the job you have to give, but you wont regret it if you hire me.

I'll work as much or as little as you need!

I really need this job.

Please & thank you!
Ariel

This is a blog.

I took Aaron to Bisbee yesterday. It was nice, we window shopped for a while, (I found waaay to many things I wanted to buy) & we spent more of Aaron's money than we should have.

Aaron was mistaken for a girl twice, hahaha! That seems to be happening a lot since we got here. It's really weird since he doesn't even have long hair. Maybe if he was walking around with boys instead of me, people wouldn't think he was female. I mean, we look a lot alike, & his voice hasn't started changing yet, so I guess people just assume he's my sister. Whatever the reason, it makes me crack up. I try to make Aaron feel better about it, but I can't help but laugh.

Today I went with Jael & her daughter Katriel to this art thing at the college. It was cool, free soup, music, art, giant bonfires. Did I mention free soup?

Jael kept introducing me to people, telling them I'm new to town & don't know what to do with myself. Which is true, I guess, but to be honest, I'm not really in the market for new friends. If I had any cash flow, I'd want to save it, not spend it on silly outings with friends. I'm leaving in June at the latest, (assuming I actually go to school like my mom & dad want) so I don't really see the point in wasting time on people I wont keep in touch with.

But Jael doesn't know that. Neither do my grandparents. I haven't really told many people that I intend to move back. Just my parents & maybe three friends.

I'm not really sure why I'm not telling people. I'm sure I have a good reason, I just don't know what it is yet. Some thing in my gut tells me to keep my mouth shut for now.

That's all for now. I'm not really in a writing mood.
Love & onions,
Ariel

This title is grey.

Soooo, hmm...

Here's my to-do list:

• Get out of the house.
• Move. (As in, get off your butt, go for a walk.)
• Smile. (Try not to fake it.)
• Keep trying to find a job. (Even though you'd rather give up, & spend your time watching tv & eating chips.)
• Do not sulk or dwell. (You're going to do it anyway, but try not to do it for more than a few minutes at a time.)

I think that pretty much sums up how I'm feeling tonight. Maybe not.

Singin' in the rain, I'm singin' in the rain!

I can't sleep. Again. This seems to be a growing trend in my life. No matter how tired I am, when I lay down & close my eyes, it's like I just drank a steaming hot pot of coffee. Or three. Unwanted thoughts, hidden in the shadows during the day, creep & crawl through my head at night. Some times I feel so paranoid, I start to panic. It's like spiders under my skin.

So here I am, in my pj's, at one in the morning, writing a blog, & eating ice-cream. (I swear I am going to gain 50 pounds while I'm here.)

I can not wait to go home. Mum & dad have both asked me to finnish at least one semester at Cochise before I move back. But I don't know if I can wait that long.

You know that dumb saying, home is where the heart is? Well, as it turns out, that dumb saying is totally true.

Fuck me for falling in love. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Some times I wonder if I'm making a huge mistake. Moving back to Rockford for Chris.

I wonder if my mom ever feels like she made a huge mistake. She fell in love, & married my dad when she was just 19. She didn't finnish college, because my parents decided to have me, before my dad was shipped off to Saudi Arabia. She was only 20.

Not that I plan on getting married, or having children any time soon. But I'm sort of doing the same thing. Like mother, like daughter?

I never pictured my life going like this. Actually, I never really saw myself falling in love. Not like this. Sure, every girl wants a prince, (or princess) but...I never thought it would happen.

I'm...happy. When I think about what Chris & I have. But right now...I think he sort of hates me. To him, it feels like I didn't love him enough to stay. I feel so...awful. I feel guilty, for hurting him. That's the last thing I wanted to do.

Even though I'm not really happy here right now, & I can't wait to go home, I think I'd be just as un-happy if I had stayed. The grass is always greener, right? I would have watched my mother, my brother, & my father, leave. Move away to sunny Arizona. And I would have hated Chris for making me stay. But now I know that this isn't where I need to be. So it's more like...an extended vacation. I get to hang out with my family, & meet some new friends, but soon I'll head for my real home.

Soooo....enough sad talk. I am not in the like. I've been crying every day for weeks, so I could use happy thoughts.

Ehh, happy thoughts are not forth-coming. So I shall end this for now.

Love & prozac,
Ariel

ARGH!

I'm taking a break from painting right now. When I started last night it was relaxing & peaceful & painting #1 turned out awesome. But then I decided to paint another to match it, I wanted them to tell a story. But I can not get the second one right. First the background was all wrong, & the colors were to dark to paint over. So I had this awesome idea, I'll just cut out the main focal point, paint a new background, & glue my focal point on. It'll look interesting & give the picture a little more depth. So I cut it out, started painting a new background, & it turned out AWFUL. Worse then the first. That's when I put my brush down, & took a step back. If I'm getting annoyed, frustrated, or pissed off while I'm painting, it's time for a break. A good, long, break. And some food.

I really like the idea behind the two paintings, & I'd really like to finnish the second. I just hope I get it right next time. If not then....I'll just stick to sewing instead of painting.

Love & water colors,
Ariel

Pick a peck of pickled peppers

Sssoooo, Arizona is driving me mad. That's not true, I love Arizona as much as I always have. My family is driving me mad.

I guess my grandparents (on my mum's side) are very anti-homeschooling. They don't believe you can get a good education at home.

Which I find a little insulting, I mean, I turned out alright didn't I? Except for my issues with math, but that's my fault, not my parents, they tried every thing to get me to learn. But I'm very stuborn when I want to be. Other than that though, I have a good grounding in every thing you'd learn in school, better than most kids in public schools. And I have a pretty high IQ.

Anyway, they have been presuring mum to put Aaron in school. All my grandpa ever talks about is getting Aaron caught up & putting him in a "good school". He even mentioned it in church! (More on that later.) He's taking it way to far. Grandpa even told Aaron that home schooling is illegal in Arizona. When I confronted him about it (since that's not true, home schooling is legal in all 50 states) he changed his story multipul times. (He said, he never said that, he said I misunderstood him, he said, it's not illegal, but there are important rules, & more.) Mums' getting really upsett, she said, grandpa has a habbit of over-riding people, & acting like their opinions are meaningless. If he doesn't back off & let her do what she wants, she's going to send my dad to come pick us up, & move us right back to Illinois.

Moving back would be fine with me, since I plan to anyway. But it would suck if my grandparents would push my mom so far. She wants to move, she wants to be here, with her family. But they aren't being very suportive at the moment. Also, it would suck since my dad was planning on moving to Tucson to be closer to us, he might have to rethink his plans if we are staying in Illinois.

This is actually really bothering me. It's getting to the point where I don't want to spend any time with my grandpa, or even talk to him. I don't know if he's noticed, but I'm very short with him. I only speak to him when he asks a direct question. I guess I'm being rude, but he's being worse. He can't stop talking about putting Aaron in school, & doesn't care what mum thinks.

Why do I have such a messed up family? Seriously, it wears on your nerves, to constantly put up with every one's craziness. Both sides of my family, they're just...nuts! I'm starting to think I might be the sanest leaf on the family tree.

But every thing will turn out alright, I'm sure. I was feeling awful last night, but I wrote a list of all the things stressing me out, & realized, it's not that bad. My family will be fine, in Arizona or Illinois. I'll get a job, I'll get through school. I'll work & work & get my dream house--with Chris of course. Getting a house I love is the most important thing, haha.

No one's going to die, no one's starving to death. Family drama happens to the best of us. Some times people just can't see eye-to-eye. It sucks, but that's how things work.

It's funny though, I wrote this list last night, & this morning Mad texted me to ask if every thing is alright. Apparently, last night she had a dream that I was hating it in Arizona. She knows me to well, haha.

I'm almost done making Chris's anniversary gift. A month late! Hah, better late than never I guess. I think he'll like it. I hope so anyway!

I've also been thinking about Christmas gifts for every one. I have mum, dad, Aaron, Mad, & Katriel's planned out. But I'm not sure about my grandparents, or Jiel.(Not sure if that's how you spell her name.) I started making some thing for Chris, & I really like it, but I'm not sure if it's good enough. :-/ Ohh, art. It's hard to tell if some thing I made is good, or if I just like it because I made it. I asked Aaron for his opinion, but he's not very constructive. He'll tell me what he likes about whatever-it-is, but can never think of any thing he doesn't like about it. I wish Mad was here to tell me what she thinks. I thought about sending her a picture, but my cell phone really doesn't do it justice. You can't see all the details.

In other news, I've been thinking about becoming a librarian. When I was younger, I thought it must be the most boring job in the world, but I've been looking into it, & I talked to one of the YA librarians here in Douglas, (his names Curtis, he's really cool, he hosts the teen nights at the library, & calls himself ''the youngest teen in Douglas) & I actually think librarian would be a good fit for me. I've spent my whole life in librarys, I love them. I was on a first name basis with a couple librarians in Rockford. If I love them so much, why shouldn't I work for one? I'd have to get my masters though, which stinks, I did not want to spend that much time in school.

Oh, another thought, my journal is almost out of pages, I think I have 4 left. And I don't have a blank one with me. Sadface. =[

Well that's all for now folks.

Love & peppers,
Ariel

Hello, old friend.

Well we've made it to Arizona.
Woopie!

I miss Chris, like mad. But I think I'm handling it alright, I just have to remember this is only for a little while.

I took my placement test at Cochise. Oh gosh, it was...awful. Well, not really. I did really well on English & reading (as always), but the math...I did worse than last time. They placed me in...Math 78. (Or some thing like that, I know it was in the 70's.) I could re-test if I wanted, but I think I'll just deal with it, at least I'll be starting with an easy course & can work my way up. I wish I hadn't been so stuborn about math as a kid. I wish my mum had forced me to do the work. Math is just...so boring! I swear, all the rules just go in one ear & out the other.

Um...Let me think. I'm sure there were things I was going to write about...

Well I went around collecting applications a couple days ago. I still need to go back to a few places. I want a job!

Um...I don't know. I'm tired, I'm done writing for now. I guess I'll post more later.

Love & canyons,
Ariel

My milk-shake brings all the boys to the yard...

My goodness, it's been quite a while since I last updated!
Here's the skinny:

Rusty (my dog, who has been living with my grandparents in Arazona) died. We have no idea what happend. One day he was fine, the next, he wouldn't eat, wouldn't drink, & since it was a sunday in Douglas, my grandparents couldn't take him to the vet. I'm still upset, but I guess I'm moving on. Aaron took it pretty hard. For him, seeing Rusty again was one of the few upsides of moving.

Friday, I went with Chris to a Halloween party at his friend's house. It was fun, not very exciting. Except I was jumped on at least three times by a drunk girl. Haha. She was funny, she came over to Chris & I about six times to tell us how glad she was that we came.

Also on Friday, Dad, Aaron & I went over to Grandma's house. We finally got to look at pictures from my dad's childhood. It was pretty cool. Also, it was my Oma's birthday. So we all sang & ate cake. My Oma is 94! Not only is she 94, but she's still healthy & young! She still DRIVES! I mean, if I didn't know her, I'd guess that she was in her 60's or 70's. She says it's all about taking care of yourself, & having a good attitude. She says, "Sick? I'm not getting sick. I wont have any of that! I don't have time to be sick, so I don't get sick." She swears she's going to live to be 120, & I totally believe her.

Saturday was my last day at work. Well, that's not true, since I called in sick. I wasn't going to, 'cause every one always calls in on their last day, & it always annoys me, since it leaves you a person short. But Bailey was really rude to me, & I was just like, you know what? Fuck it. I don't have to put up with your shit any more! I have to run in today & pick up my check from last friday though.

Saturday night Mad & I took the shorts' trick or treating. (We were trick or treating as well, obviously!) My pumpkin faerie outfit was pure win! Every one was talking about it, & one woman even asked for my picture! :D Being a pumpkin head was a great idea.

Sunday, was suposed to be Ericka's crafternoon. I was really looking forward to it, since I'd get to see most of my favorite cafe peeps before leaving town. But alas, it was not to be. Ericka fell sick, & may have the flu. (Hopefully not swine!)

I went over to Chris's house Sunday afternoon. We spent most of the day together. But honestly, I spent most of our time together sleeping. I have no idea why I was so tired, but I think I slept at least two hours. Chris got bored & watched TV while I was snoozing.

Chris finally gave me a gift for our anniversary! He bought me the box set of Neon Genesis Evangelion! (Happiness) I'm just getting started on his, & since I don't have my sewing machine, it's going to take AGES!

Also, Chris let me use his discount at work, so instead of a boring black guitar case (I needed a hardshell for my electric, since we're moving) I got a PINK SPARKLY CASE WITH PURPLE PLUSH INTERIOR! It is so, AWESOME.

Oh, speaking of moving. The date has been moved up! Mum has to stay in town a little longer than she thought, but my grands' are anxious to see us, (I guess?) so Aaron & I are taking the train down. We're leaving Thursday! After putting it off & putting it off, not knowing when we're really going to move, this feels like a huge leap forward. We're leaving in less than a week! Oh gosh, how am I suposed to find time to wash all my clothes, help my mum & Aaron pack, spend as much time with Chris & Mad as I can, & say goodbye to all my friends?! EGADS!

I'm kind of excited though. I'm glad it's finally happening. Although, I'm going to miss Chris like crazy. If every thing goes as planned, I'll be moving back in a year. Give or take a few months. If Chris & I stay together, stay in love. I think I'll transfer to NIU, I can dorm there & stay with Chris on the weekends & stuff. Hopefully he'll have moved out of his mom's house by then. (He's planning on moving out, it just hasn't happend yet.)

Oh my cell phones back on! Woot! My dad just turned it on today!

Ok....What else is going on?

Oh! My Grandfather (my dad's real father, not my grandpa) got in touch with me over facebook a little while ago! I was thrilled. He told me all about what's going on in his life, & said that if I ever wanted to come visit, just say the word! I think maybe this summer or next I would like to visit him. You know, when all the dust settles.

Anyway, I have to get a move on, both Mad & Chris want to hang out today, & I still need to shower!

Love & Latkes,
Ariel

P.S. Here's a question for you, Jewish people don't eat pork, right? Genetically modified tomatoes have pig genes. Does that mean that Jews' can no longer eat tomatoes?

Once upon a midnight dreary

Ah! Internet! It's been so long since I last saw you! And, oh! My dear blog. How are you? Have you missed me? You'll never beleive how I missed you so! But it's alright my dear, we're together again, never to be parted. Well, at least not until I've filled you in on lots of stuff...

Where to start?

Well, first, I will tell you all about Ariel's Very Bad Day. It actually wasn't that bad, but it reminded me of that book, where the boy was just having a rotten day & he keeps saying he's going to move to Australia.

It started out unpleasant, but not horrable. I had planned on getting up around 10:30 so I'd have time to shower before work, but I slept through my alarm. Later, I was running late for work, & didn't have time for breakfast. As I walked around my car to get in, I saw a large crack in my windshield. I didn't have time to inspect it, but now I'm pretty sure that some one thought it would be funny to break my window. Guess that's what I get for parking on the street.

When I got off work, I was kind of in a bad mood. You would be too! I mean, I have never damaged my car in anyway, (except the thing with the oil cap, but I'll tell you about that later) & this is the third time some one else has hurt my poor POS with out telling me. (1. About a week after I got my car, some one side-swiped it, taking the drivers side mirror off. 2. A couple weeks ago, some one either side-swiped it again, or thought it would be funny to scrape a bunch of paint off the side. 3. Some one cracked my windshield, 'nuff said.) So I walked in the house, intending to rant about my car, only to have my mum tell me that my Uncle just died.

That hurt. I feel really bad about it. I haven't seen Uncle Don in what...six years? I knew he was in the hospital, I knew he was sick again. But I never got around to sending a get well soon card. I know a card couldn't have made much of a differance. But maybe it would have made him happy to know we were thinking of him, & hoping for him to pull through. It wouldn't bother me as much if I could make it to the funeral, but that's out of the question. I hope he's in a better place now...I hope Faith is doing ok.... :[

I supose other than that the day was good. Mad stopped in while I was at work. And I talked to Ericka briefly.(Is that how you spelll that name? I hate spelling names, there's no rules. People just make up all sorts of odd spellings for all sorts of names. Not that I mind, I think it's cool that names have no rules, but it's rather annoying at work when I have to put names on cups. If you misspell it, the person thinks you're stupid, but if you ask how to spell it they think you're stupid, YOU JUST CAN'T WIN!) Later on Mad 'n I went to lazerquest with this dude Seth. Seth is cool, pretty cute, really weird in a very good way. He kicked our asses at the game. (Which I just lost.) What else did we do? Oh we played ghosts in the graveyard with the kids, that's always fun.

It felt like a bad day, but I think it was a good day with bad over tones.

Ericka & I went to the Postsecret event yesterday. It was really cool, but I was disappointed that more people didn't share secrets. I was even more disappointed that I couldn't drag myself up to that mic. I was thinking about it the whole time we were listening to Frank speak. I thought, I'd get up & talk about how scared I am of people. I'd say every one in this room terrafies me, even Frank, even the person I came with. But I couldn't do it, watching other people go up, picturing myself up there, made me shake all over. I felt faint. And I thought...well, if I make myself go up there I'm going to be very mad at myself for a while, so I'd better just stay here. Haha.

I had loads to write about, since I didn't have internet for a while, I was trying to remember every thing I wanted to say, but alas, I forgot.

Oh, well I s'pose I should mention some blond moments. Yesterday, it was gloomy & over cast, so I turned my headlights on, turns out I forgot to turn them off. So when Ericka dropped me off at my car, it was dead. As a doornail, whatever that means. Later that night, (she drove me to my house) my dad & I went to jump my car. When dad popped the hood to show me where the cables go, he found my missing oil cap...It was stuck the the hood, impailed on the insulation.

I can't remember what else I was going to write about so this is the end.

Love & grape juice,
Ariel

If the rain would stop...

I am broke again! Mug me if you like, there are no monies to be had. I mean, I am really, truely, broke as a joke. After an entire week of not spending any money, I had to get gas ($5) & oil ($2) & put air in my tires ($1). I just over-drafted by 50 cents.

On to other news. Well, there is no other news. Being as broke as I am, I try not to go any where, or do any thing, lest I be tempted to spend money that isn't real. Speaking of which, I'm not going to the teen over night. I was planning on it, but alas, life is beyond my control, & I have medical bills.

I have been insanely lazy this week, & have gotten nothing done. So when I'm done wasting my time here, I'm going to hop in the shower, & then do some much needed packing.

Have I mentioned that I hate packing? It really truely sucks. But now I have a dead-line, & I like getting things done before my dead-lines, so I shall pack more. Oooh, dad gave me this cool old suitcase the other day. He said mum would want to take it so I might as well pack stuff in it. I'm saving it for last 'cause it is sooo cool. It's all cracked leather & cloudy hinges. Love!

I'm really excited about moving. The excitment sort of comes & goes though. Right now I'm happy & looking forward to it, but I really really really wish I wasn't leaving Chris. I don't know what I'm going to do with out him. I just...can't stay for him. I know that sounds horrid. If you really love some one, you don't leave them, do you? I really love him, but I'm being self-centered. As usual.

Ugh.

I need a haircut. I'm very tired of my hair, it needs to be short again. But alas, I am BROKE. Should I say it again? Broke as a joke, can't afford any thing, excited about finding a dime on the floor, BROKE. So my hair shall wait. Unless I get really fed up, in which case, I will chop it all off, & just wear a hat. And even though it will look HORRID, I'll be happy 'cause it's not all over the place & choking me in my sleep. I don't know how my dad & Chris deal with such long hair. It would drive me up a tree.

Okay, I'm going to shower now, & stop wasting time!
(Yeah, as if.)

Love & sharks!
Ariel

My tales are small, your tales are tall.

WOAHMYGOSH. It's been an age since I felt like writing. Not true, I've felt like writing, but when I got home, & sat down to do it, I didn't care any more.

Well well well, where to begin?

One night at work, (a few days ago?) I saw Andy Gilbert. I haven't seen him in like...five years?
Anyway, we talked briefly, & he asked if I still wrote poetry. It sort of suprised me, but before I could say no, I haven't writen so much as a couplet in years, he said that was the one thing that really stood out about me, how good my poems were. I was...floored! I hardly ever shared my writing, even in that poetry class. I never thought it was good enough. The fact that he even remembered my writing, just...wow. His words made me feel warm & fluffy all night. I still feel warm & fluffy thinking about it! That was such a nice thing for him to say. No one ever compliments things that I do, people always compliment me. As in, you're so pretty, as opposed to you write so well. Being complimented by one of my peers felt sooo lovely. I think I'm going to start writing again. Not bloging, real writing. I already have a couple haikus floating around in my head.

I am so very excited for Halloween! I made my costume today, I'm the pumpkin faerie! I put Aaron's together too, & I'm oh so thrilled. I've been trying for years to talk him into going as a girl, & now, finally, he's going to do it! So he is a gypsy with a mustache. I'm almost done with Kate & Damien's as well. Damien is going as a mexican bandito, & Kate will be a devil. (She already is one, I'm just going to put horns on her.)

Speaking of fall, I finally have a set date for the move! My grandpa is going to help us move Thanksgiving weekend. Mum wishes we could go sooner, but I don't mind. It gives me plenty of time to pack, save some money, & do some of the things I've been meaning to do all year.

I just sent my application into Cochise college in Douglas. I can not wait 'till January when classes start! I want to get a move on with my education.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with that education, but I have a few ideas. I'd like to go into Anthropology, or radio journalism. I'd love to work for NPR. Can you imagine me having my own show? I don't know what it would be about (I really have no ideas) but it would be awesome.

Dad is letting me take one of his bikes with me when we move. I'm thrilled, I did not expect to bring it, but it's gonna' rule. Douglas is super small, so I'll be able to ride my bike every where, except school. I'm gonna' be so fit!

I've actually been thinking about selling my car before we move, & buying some thing new (to me anyway, I couldn't afford a new car, & I have zero credit to buy one anyway) when we get there. I might not even get a car, since it's southern Arizona, I could ride a motercycle or moped year-round, & just borrow some one elses when I want to go to Sierra Vista or Tucson.

Oh my gosh I'm hungry. Chris is making dinner for me tonight! Yess, I'm looking forward to it, but it will be at least two hour from now, oh how shall I last?

Pardon my randomness.

Ooooh ooh ooh! I forgot to mention TIM!

So, heres the scoop, Tim is my (sort-of) ex boyfriend. (We never technically dated, but we um...sort of did? It's complicated.) After he moved to China, we kept in touch, e-mailing each other back & forth. After a while we sort disconected, the e-mails grew fewer & far between, until eventually we stopped e-mailing all together. I started thinking about him a while ago, & thought it kinda' sucked that we lost touch that way, so I sent him a message. I waited, & waited, & figured he wasn't going to write me back. Until, ALAS! Who's name did I spy in my inbox? TIM! I was really excited, & sent a prompt reply. It's sort of hard for me to relate to his life (we both maintain totally differant social statuses, he's an adult, & he lives in China...) so my e-mail is sort of...self-centered? I hope he understands. :-/ I don't retain any sort of romantic feelings for Tim, but I'd hate to think that we weren't friends. He was a big part of my life, bigger than he knows, I'm sure.

I beleive that's all for now, ttfn!

Love & bc,
Ariel

Drugs, my anti drug.

Went to RVC to hang with the homeschool homies today. My phone died so I had to wait for it to charge just the weensiest bit, & so I was quite late. What else is new, eh?

On my way to the student center I ran into Rene, Ashley & blast-from-the-past Ben. Cool-cool.

Oh, & every one had some thing to say about my outfit, which was nice. I feel pretty. :D Haha.

I stopped my Meg's on the way home & OHMYGADS, I tried this latte, fudge it was soooooooo good. Drooling now. Shoot I left it down stairs, hold on while I fetch it. I can't remember what flavor it is, some thing special. I dunno.

Jesus, Damien has gas. The living room smells of eggs. BLEH! It's gross.

Sooooo I really wish that I had known we were going to be in town this long. I dropped all of my classes when the whole moving thing came up. If I knew then what I knew now I would have at least taken some fun ones on an audit. My brain needs stretching! It's like "Aaaariel, what are you doing with your life? Now is the time to LEARN things! Worry when you're old!" Oh silly grey matter, I'll do some algebra later, okay?

I want to be in SCHOOL. Gaddamit.

So, I kinda' started thinking about maybe staying in Rockford....But the problem is, WHERE WILL I LIVE?! I can't afford to live on my own. Chris & Mad have both offered to let me stay with them, & I know their moms wouldn't mind, but...I don't want to live with some one elses mom when I could just as easily live with my own. Which is some thing no one seems to understand. I hate mooching! I don't like letting others pay for me.

So, yeah. I guess I'm still going. Which is kinda' going to suck.

I'm really looking forward to see all the fam again, & all that kinda' junk. But I'm not sure want to live in Douglas.

But I can't really stay here.

UGH.

Why didn't any one warn me that this kinda' crap would happen? I should have been saving my money instead of spending it all on dumb stuff.

Rawr. I saved my money when I was younger. Hardly ever spent a dime. Then I got older & started buying dumb things like clothes & coffee & other junk I don't need.

I wish I could afford to live on my own. I wish I was a smarty-pants & could go to school for free. I wish I knew what to do with my life. BLARG. I need a rich, long-lost uncle to help me out. Haha.

I need alergy meds ASAP. But I don't feel like buying them.

I'm going to surf zee web. Then maybe I'll do some packing. Or maybe I'll see about getting some new tires for my bike so's I can go for a ride & clear my head.

Love & lollipops,
Ariel

P.S. Alex is a brat. He payed for my lunch even though I told him not to. It was nice of him, but...I don't know. He's a brat. :P

Can't wait till I turn into a butterfly.

I think I'm...just crazy.

Things with Chris & I are fine! Peachy-keen! Groovy X 2! Fo' sho' yo'.

I think what happend was, he was acting slightly weird. Which worried me a little. Then we had this dumb little text-spat. And later he said some thing weird. And since I'm crazy & stressed about abso-freakin-lutely every thing these days, all these little dumb things added up & I had a mental freak out.

But we are fine! Yay. I really wasn't looking forward to seeing him today, but I'm really glad I went. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY. I'm happy. If you hadn't noticed.

Waaaa. Today was really groovy. I feel like a dork 'cause I have made zero progress on the packing, but it was worth it. I went out for brunch with mum, dad, & Aaron. Then I went over to Alex's house. (We watched Blues Brothers, an awesome movie, despite the fact that it is 4 million hours long.) Aaaand then I went over to Chris's house for a bit.

Hangin' with Alex is tons 'o fun.

DUDE. I had a super huge head-ache today. Some time between leaving Alex's house, & heading to Chris's, my head just...I don't know, but it felt like the dungeon master (the midevil kind, not the nerdy kind) was in there running amuck. It was almost like a migrane, but with out all the blindness & pukey times.

Oh, so, apparently Chris was a little, unsettled, about Alex & I hangin' mano y mano.
Which I found...laughable. Obviously, Chris is blind, I'm waaaaay to devoted to him to even think of another person that way. Spleash, he knows he can trust me. Ah well, he did warn me ages ago that he is sort of a jealous boyfriend, I'm glad this is the worst he's been. Most ''jealous boyfriends'' are fucking annoying a-holes. Chris just gets a little worried when I'm hanging one-on-one with guy friends. (Which happens how often? Seriously, when you have trust issues involing guys, you don't hang out one-on-one with guys friends, unless they are totally trust-worthy. I mean, I hate it when I have to work alone with Mat or John, & I'm never even really alone with them.) Also, I think it's funny that he knows how I am, & yet he's never worried when I hang out alone with cute girls...Haha.

Lalala, lets see...I'm not sure what else to write about. But I have to kill some time, 'cause I can't go to bed until the laundry is done.

I can never rememeber if 'until' is spelled with one 'L' or two. I'm looking that up now. It's one! Yay I spelled it right the first time!

Sooo dee doh dee doh....

Did I write about open mic night already? I don't know.

So Wednesday Mad & I played open mic at Hope & Anchor again. The first time we played (a couple weeks ago) we bombed. Hard. Man we sucked worse than a vacuum. But this time (last Wednesday) was AWESOME. Haha. We only messed up the second song, & every one thought it sounded good anyway. (Well, except the messed up part.) We played Lola by the Kinks, Walking with a Ghost by Tegan & Sara, & 500 Miles by...uh...damn I can never remember their name. The one about walking 1,000 miles.

Dude, I'm listening to Tunng right now, they are so freaking rad. I love them. Jenny again is my favorite song by them.

Also I love Tegan & Sara. I wish I was them. Only I wouldn't want to be both of them at the same time, 'cause that would be weird. Also, I don't think I'd really want to be either of them, 'cause as messed up as I am, I like being me. But I'd like to be as tallented as one/both of them.

Ho-kay, this blog-a-rog is getting very long. I'm going to check the laundry, & maybe go to bed. I don't know. Maybe not. Have I ever mentioned how much I like typing? Yes? Oh, well, I'll try not to say it again, but really, I LOVE typing.

Also I think I like crying. It's a great stress relief. Unless I'm at work, in which case is sucks. Or basically when I'm with any one at all. But when I'm by myself! It makes me feel better. And sleepy.

Man, back in the day, I cried like, once a year. And it was a big deal. Nothing made me, Ariel the great, cry. But this year....fuck man. My eyes are making up for lost time!

Haha.

Any-poo, I'll just be going now.

Love & saw-dust,
Ariel

Warning: Explicit content.

Last night I made a sort of realization. Well, I was sort of realizing some thing I already knew in the back of my mind.

I've been feeling really...neurotic, & a little clingy about Chris. At first I was blaming myself, thinking that it must be hormones or...I don't know...But I figured, Chris is being normal, I'm being neurotic, who's at fault? Me. But I'm not. I've been acting emotional & insecure because he's been acting different. He doesn't kiss me, he's not as goofy, he doesn't text me through out the day like he used to. He barely talks to me, when we hang out, we sit around & watch TV.

I guess I just feel like, he can't deal with me leaving, so he's slowly pushing me away. Putting a wedge between us. And it's breaking my fucking heart.

Fuck. I'm crying again. I'm going to melt into a puddle if I keep this up.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate boys? All they do is break your heart.

I thought we agreed that we're going to try the long distance thing? I thought we both wanted to stay together. But maybe I was wrong.

Last time I felt like this, like my wonderful boyfriend (Nick) was acting weird, not as affectionate, I decided to stick it out, maybe he was just having a rough time at work or some thing. And then he stomped all over my heart. So what am I suposed to expect this time? I told myself that if I ever got this feeling again, I would end things before I could get hurt. But how could I do that? I love Chris, I really do, how could I leave him for real?

But if he really loves me, how could he hurt me like this?

Goddamn it! Goddamnfuckingassshittitscockbitchmotherfucker.

I want to scream, & I want to cry, & I want to hug him, & punch him in the face all at the same time.

RAWR!

I wish I was a dinosaur. Things would be so much better that way.

My brain is to over loaded right now. I need to stop thinking.

Love & troll-dolls,
Ariel

No matter which way you go...

Woot! Just did open mic night at Hope & Anchor(I don't know how you spell that, & it is midnight, & I am tired, ther fore, NO SPELL CHECKING!) with my bestest friendster.(Mad, obvs.)

It went really well I think. Only a few minor screw ups, & every one was really nice! I actually am excited about next week! Haha.

I was waaaaay less jittery this time. And I LOVE singing. For real, with a mic, to people.

Wa-buh-blah. I just want to play my guitar all night, but I think I should sleep. Yes, my bed is beckoning with open arms. Wonderful fluffy arms made out of pillows...

Wait! Before I journey off to dream land, I want to mention that I have an awesome friend named Alex. AKA Humperdink. Am I'm not saying this to him, I'm saying this so that every one else will know. I really want to spend more time with him, & get to know him better. Yeas.

My blog is stranger than usual when I'm a sleepy like this. Mostly 'cuz I'm very very strange when sleepiness takes hold of me. I get loopy.

I had some thing I wanted to write about earlier. Actually, I started writing it while I was at work. I don't really remember what all I was going to say, but this is what I wrote down:

I really need to slow down on the deplorable dairy products, if I'm not more careful, I wont be able to mix a machiato, or create a capuccino with out becoming the one & only barfing barista.

Hahaha.

That made me laugh.

Love & late-night tacos,
Ariel

P.s. Mmm, tacos....

Hobgoblins are dancing here.

Lalala, I had stuff I wanted to write about, but I'm not sure what....

Well...Mad & I hung out with Alex the other day. It was loads of fun. We watched Juno (great movie, btw), then we went to Beef a Roooooooooo, & then...we walked around aimlessly untill we got to CVS. CVS has very comfy grass. And shopping carts that are fun to ride in/on. Haha.

Well....um...I really have nothing to write about.

I am sad today. I'm not sure why, but I think the day just started off wrong, & it's all been down hill from there. Poop. Blah. I hate it when I'm sad. I can't even get myself to do fun things, because I know they wont cheer me up. I'll just be sad while doing fun things. And I'll act all listless & pouty, making others worry about me. I hate it when I get like this. I hate it when people worry about me. I hate it when I get like this, 'cause then I start hating myself, because I can't snap out of it.

Life is hard. And sad. And no matter how hard you try, things can always go wrong.

Sadness sadness sadness.

I should stop writing this, I'm going to post it, & people will read it, & then I'll look crazy.

I'm not, I think.

But I don't want to stop writing, it makes me feel....some thing. Not really better, but I like it.

Blah. I need hugs.

I need I need I need. I can't stop myself from needing things I can't get on my own, I always need people, as much as I'd like to think I don't.

Love & snakes,
Ariel

This is my sweater song.

I feel...unsure, about moving right now.

Well, sort of. I'm still going for sure. Not about to change my mind.
But the weathers all lovely & fall-like, so I'm getting nostalgic. I love fall, & winter, & I wont get that on the other side of the country!

Also, I wish I was starting school. Right now would be a great time. Alex & a bunch of other people I know are going to RVC. So I'm finally the right age, & I wouldn't be totally alone.

But no. I'm moving right in the middle of fall semester. And I don't have any friends in Arazona.

Now is the time for me to be in school. Even if I'm only taking a couple classes. Rawr.

I don't have any money saved either. So I can't just enroll in the college in Douglas for the next semester.

Poop.

Did I mention that the ice machine tried to eat me the other day? There's this white thingy that holds the ice back, right? And the machine has this sensor thing, when there's not ice being held by the white thingy, the machine kicks on & makes more ice. So I'm filling a bucket with ice, my arms in the ice machine, & the white thing collapses. It's full of ice, by the way. It's early in the morning, I'm all alone in the cafe, & my arm is stuck under 50 pounds of ice. Now, since the white thing isn't holding up all the ice(it's on my arm, remember?) the machine starts making more ice. It was sort of horrid. I was stuck for about 5 minutes. And it was really cold.

I feel like I have issues.

Mostly the kind that are in my head.

My car smells kinda' weird. And it's never the same smell. Some times it smells musty. Some times it smells like oil. Some times it smells...just...weird.

I seriously can not wait untill Where the Wild Things Are comes out. I'M GOING TO CRAP MY PANTS I'M SO EXCITED. Ohmygosh.

Ra-ra-shish-boom-bah!

You know what movie I want to watch right now? Juno. I haven't seen that since...The day Nick asked me out. When was that? Last year? I don't know, but we saw it in theaters, & I loved it. But after he broke up with me I couldn't stand the idea. I couldn't even listen to the sound track for at least 4 monthes. What a good movie!

Raaaawrrr. I don't feel like getting off my butt. But I don't have any thing to write about.(As if that's ever stopped me before.)

I'm really hot. I might want to take off this sweater. But since I'm not wearing any thing under it I would have to go downstairs & get a shirt. Otherwise I'd be sitting in my mum's room topless. And that would be weird. And I don't want to get up.

Laziness.

Is the time stamp on your blog from when you started it, or when you posted it? Not sure. It's now 7:50 & I wonder when I started writing this.

Blah blah blah.

Still typing non-stop. I'm trying to just keep my fingers moving.

Well dang. Mum started talking to me so I had to take a finger-break. That sounded creapy. I just ment that I couldn't type non-stop. Typing is fun! Woooooooooh!

I should have some sort of secretarial job so I can just type all the time. Or get certified as a medical trascriptionist like I want.

Typing typing typing.

Mums staring at me. I'm typing while staring at her. Not going to fix any errors made while doing this. Shes's stiking her tounge at me.

Looking at the screen again. I ment she's sticking her tounge out at me. In creepy ways.

I got free cake last night. It was really good. Well, I don't really like cake, but the frosting was yummy x 2.

Ok, I'm done with my randomness for now.

Love & shotguns,
Ariel

P.s. Mads here yo.

Tra-la-la-la-laaaaa!

The contractors are working on re-siding our house today. Lots & lots of hammering! It was really creepy to take a shower this morning, 'cause they were banging on the bathroom wall(that reminds me of an old song, haha), & I could even hear them talking! Aaah! It was...weird. I didn't want them to hear me showering, or worse...using the toilet. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

What now?

I have to go to work.

I shall write more tonight!

Love & latkes,
Ariel

good health can be disappointing.

Just got a call from the clinic, results on my last set of blood tests is in!

I was so hopeful, thought maybe this time I'd get a real answer. I shouldn't be aching for no reason right? Some thing has to be causing this!

But no. Blood tests show I'm slightly anemic, but nothing to worry about. Every thing else is normal.

So what does that mean for me? Why can't some one tell me what is wrong?!

I should be happy that every thing's normal. But I still hurt. And it's getting worse.

I've had joint pain for more than two years, & no one can give me a reason!

God I'm about to cry. I just want to know! This is so disappointing!

People don't hurt like this for no reason! I'm not just a little sore, or achey, this pain is ruling my life! I don't go run around with the kids 'cause my knees hurt, I don't climb trees any more 'cause my hips hurt, I can barely hold my guitar 'cause my fingers hurt! Why can't some one explain it to me? Can't any one tell me what' s wrong?!

I want answers! Goddamnit!

I'm so fucking tired of pain, & I'm even more tired of pain with out reason.
It's just some thing to be endured if it's getting worse. I feel like I'm falling apart!
Even typing hurts.

I can't do this, I can't do that, because it hurts to much. This isn't normal! There has to be a reason!

Fuck this shit.
Ariel

P.s. Figured out chest pains. It's anxiety. This has happend before. :/ I figured it out when I was telling Sharon why I wasn't feeling well. I said "It's sort of like having a panic-attack, except I'm not panicing, & it's constant." After that it hit me, & I remembered the last couple times I had anxiety issues & how it felt. Knowing what the problem was, was a huge relief. Now when my chest starts hurting, I stop, breathe deaply, & think happy thoughts. :]

Sew sew sew sew sew.

SOOOOOOOO, I think a lot of my blogs start with so, & then when I go back to edit I think "I can't start off with 'so' what was I thinking?!" & remove the word.

It's not even that much of a word...

ANYPANTS!

I called in sick today. I shouldn't have, really. I need money! Plus I've been calling in sick a lot these days. I don't know if the MODS are keeping track of all that, but they cut the hours of people who don't show up--THERE FORE, I should not call in sick. But alas, I've have crushing pains in my chest/belly, as well as nausia & a nasty headache for TWO DAYS. I should have seen a doctor today, but instead I stayed home & sat around on my butt doing NOTHING.

I'm begining to think that seeing the doc is usless anyway. They poke & prod & take 8 vials of blood, only to say "Well, we're not sure what's wrong with you. Eat some bananas & come back friday & we'll start all over again." And every time I go see a doctor they give me meds I don't even need. If I don't have arthritis, why should I take celabrex? Eh?

Now then. Crushing pains, called in sick, what else? OH! I started working on the ears for Pooh's hoodie. I'm about half way done. I love sewing! It's going so much better this time. Last time I was using a weird fabric, & had no clue what I was doing! For Chris, I'm using fleece, & know just what to do! Yay!

I took a picture of the half finished ears & sent it with text to Chris. He has yet to text me back. >:[ It sure is nice to know he cares! I mean, sheesh doode, I'm making these for you! The least you could do is say "Cool!" Or "Awesome!" Or "Aww how cute, have I mentioned that I have the best gf ever?" Hehehe.

John is getting maried tomorrow. I forgot to ask for time off, so I'm going to miss the wedding.
:[ I think I'm going to get directions from my dad & go right after work though. Mad wants me to camp with her, but I don't know if I work Sunday.(It's a camp-out wedding!) I should 'prolly check.

Ugh, I hope I'm feeling better by tomorrow. I can't call in sick again, & I want to go to the camp out!

I wish I could just be healthy! I know loads of people are worse off than me, but I hate not knowing what's wrong. Joints shouldn't hurt for no reason! And neither should chests or bellies.

I can't even use my joint pain as an excuse to get out of work, since I don't know what it is.

RAWR. I feel sort of chipper even though I'm bored, lonley, & in pain.

WHY AM I SO HAPPY?! I should me MAD! Angry! Grumpy! Or at least listless for Pete's sake! Hahaha, I make me laugh some times.

Soooo, I wrote an e-mail to Tim today. Actually, I've been working on it all week. It's really short for some thing that took me all week to write. I just wasn't sure what to say! I haven't seen Tim since last August, & haven't e-mail him since January. I didn't even know him that long. I guess I just feel conected to him in a weird way.

Well....lets see...I think some one has been blogstalking me. Lets say this some one is...Wambeling Ding. No, no, to hard to remember. Um..Alex Some-Thing-Or-Other. No, makes me think of Alex. Uhm.....Humperdink! Like the prince! Yes.

So Humperdink has a crush on me, & starts blogstalking me. I know this because I blogstalked Humperdink, & he has quoted things I only said in this blog. So now we're both following each secretly. And writing about each other, with out mentioning each other. Teeheehee.

Anddd....I think some one should buy me this, http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=28082559&ref=sr_list_3&&ga_search_query=dopamine&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_page=&order=date_desc&includes[]=tags&includes[]=title

I love it, but I'd feel very lame buying it for myself. Plus, I never buy my own jewlery.

Okay, now I'm just typing every thing I think of 'cause I have nothing better to do. That's not true at all, I should do the laundry, or wash the tub, or box up more books, but I don't wanna! So I'm not gonna'! So there.

I really should go do some thing.

Love & milkshakes,
Ariel

P.s. I want to get this one for my mum: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=24464691

Why even ask if you know the answer?

So....I am in love.
This happend a while ago, every one who is a real part of my life knows this.

From the beginning of our relationship, I knew some thing like this would happen.
I'm not sure if I should write about it yet...

Crap. I'm going to, I don't care right now.

Basically, I've wanted to leave Rockford for an age. I am not a fan of this post-industrial, bible-belt town. We're the third largest city in Illinois, but to quote my mum, the worlds largest one-horse town. Rockford has no culture! I don't know if I've ever been happy here.

But then, I fell in love. I knew, right from the start that this would happen. I went on a rant about Rockford, & Chris confessed that he is the only person he knows of who is actually happy here. He likes Rockford.

He is also a bit of a mama's boy.

So now I'm moving. Across the country. And I don't know what to do with myself.

Whenever I'm alone, & I think about leaving Chris I cry my eyes out. But I know in my heart I can't stay just for him. If I stayed in Rockford for Chris, I'd end up resenting him for holding me back.

I'm still....hopeful.
I doubt that I'll want to stay in Arazona all my life. As much as I love it, I don't think it's right. So maybe one day I'll come back here. Or he'll move there. Or maybe we could meet half-way.

But I need to figure out what I'm doing with my life. I can't let a shitty-city hold me back from some thing amazing.

Gads, the idea of leaving Chris...When I imagine saying goodbye, it's like I'm getting ready to rip my soul in two. Fudge.

Love is such a strange thing. It can make you, it can break you. It can save your life, or ruin it forever.

And what is more important? A love that may not last? Or living my own life?

I don't want to settle into a mediocre existence. I always thought that was a horrable thing to happen to some one. I'm not the type to get married, have kids, settle into a job that means nothing to me. I want to live a life I love! I want to do some thing real. Some thing with meaning.

I can't just stay for love & forget all that.

And I doubt we would even get married. Chris...I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think he's the marrying type.

This is going to hurt so much, but how could I ever stay in Rockford?

Uhg. I'm not even sure why I feel the need to blog about this. I'm not having a hard time making up my mind. Even when I have second, third & forth thoughts I know I have to go.

But...ARG. This is going to suck ass-balls.

I don't even know what ass-balls are.

I wish...I wish I could know how things are going to play out. I wish I knew that every one lives happily ever after. Except...if Chris & I don't end up together, I don't want to know in advance.
In my mind, I have this pretty picture of us living together. He'll cook dinner. I'll sit around & read in my underpants while he tests his magic decks. He'll have a little work-shop where he can build guitars & basses & such. And I'll have...I don't know...a matching set of pots & pans?

What would I have? I don't know what's special to me. What would I have in our house that is specifically me? I think this is why I feel such a strong need to go, all though I suspect that I may end up coming back.

Does that mean I'm trying to...find myself? Perish the thought!
Good gravey. I'm not some hippie dork who goes out on a mission to find herself! What the crap?! Whatever happend to "creating yourself"?! I have become some thing I despise...

Oh well. So I guess this is what this is about. I have to figure out who the fuck I am & what the fuck I'm doing with my life.

Man...a few years ago things seemed so...solid. I knew who I was & what I was all about. Now? What do I even care about? I don't care for man-kind; I think life as we know it is doomed; & saving the earth is futile(it will be just fine when we are gone). And what do I really like? I like lovely gardens, but I don't have a green-thumb; I like beautiful buildings, but I dislike large cities; I like...cute things...Nothing matters! It's all temporary! Just a blip on our planets time-line!

Urgh. Maybe I do need to find myself, as stupid as that sounds.

Every time some one's like "I just need some time to find myself" I always picture them in their laundry room, calling their own name while looking through baskets & in the dryer.

I am a basket-case.

Whatever, I'm not going to worry about this now. I'm going to the getaway with Mad & the kids.
Love & tuna,
Ariel

Holy cows...

Um...wow....so, my blog is a little....insane?

Sheesh.

I don't think I'm really this crazy.

It just looks like it, because I only write blogs when I'm very happy, totally angry, or completley depressed.

This is not what my mind looks like, I SWEAR!

Oh gosh.

Well isn't this a mighty fine hippo?

I woke up itchy this morning.

I was in that half asleap, not really aware of what you're doing, stage, & realized I'd been scratching my face for a loooong time. So long that it was starting to hurt.
I could feel a couple bumps on my face, so I figured they were most likely mosquito bites.(I just couldn't figure out when I was bitten.)

So I go into the bathroom to grab some Benadryl, only to find that my whole face is covered in an itchy red rash.

WHAT THE CRAP?

I'm guessing allergic reaction.(Duh) But to what?

On the left side of my jaw there is a swollen bump, so maybe a bug bite? I'm not sure.

God it's on my neck too.

Why is my imune system so WEIRD?! I can't get chicken pox, I can roll in poison ivy with no ill affect, but mosquito bites turn in to giant lumpy purple things that itch for a week.

URRG!

Well, I'm not feeling dizy, & my throat's not swollen or tight, so I'm not going to worry about it to much. Hopefully it goes away soon though. If it's not gone by tomorrow I guess I'll go see a doctor. BLEH.

On to Otter things!

So my friend...lets call her Rachel, is madly in love with some one she can't have. Well, she can have him, he likes her too, but it's completley taboo. Oooooh drama. I don't want to explain, it's her drama not mine, but it's soooo cute. Gosh.

Speaking of soooo cute, there were baby shrews in my yard the other day! They were so cute I nearly died. One was sort of curled into a ball, & then he ran away...OHMYGOSH it was SO AMAZINGLY CUTE. Seriously. I couldn't breath for all the cuteness.

Um um um. What else do I have to write about? Loads. But what can I write about with out mentioning things I don't want every one to be able to read about? Hmmm.

I'm going to go back & re-read my last couple blogs to see what I've said. Hopefully nothing to stupid.

Love & cupcakes!
Ariel

a message in code

After this morning, I've decided it's time for S to know every thing. I'm scared to tell them, what if they don't see things the way I do? I'm sure S must suspect, but what if S doesn't want to do what I want? What if S wants to stay with B? What if S makes me come back?

I can't do that. One way or another I never want to see T & B again.

Should I just call S when they are off work? Or should I tell S face-to-face?

I don't know what would be best...

What I really want is for S to see things my way. We could leave, we could start over. It would be hard but we could.

What if S thinks its to risky? What if S wants to wait? If S is to worried about green to go I don't know what I could do.

I just have to wait 17 days, but I can't make S do any thing.

But I have to try. And I have to hope. And one way or another I'm never going to see T & B again.

Typing is hard when you just want to smash your keyboard

I hate this.
I hate this fucking shit.
I can't even blog about it it's so fucking bad.
I've known for a while.
Mads' known for longer.
Of course she has, our fucking neighbors knew.
Who else knows?
I'll bet every one does.
But things haven't been so bad, I thought maybe they were wrong.
Thought maybe I was wrong.
You dirty fucking scumbag.
How could you do this to us?
To me?
To her?
No matter what you do I will never forgive you.
I knew you were shit, for years, but I never told her.
And this, you fuck-head.
Do you know how many lives you're fucking up right now?
GOD DAMN YOU!
You are NOTHING to me.
Don't expect me to call when I'm gone.
I know what you are.
And I hate every thing you're made of, I hate you in every way I can.
I can forgive my enemies a thousand times over.
You have shown me what it's really like to hate.
I wish I had never existed.
I wish even more that you never existed.
Then you could never have fucked up so many lives.
She would have been great with out you.
Does she know?
Do you still tell her you love her?
If you walked through that door right now I would kill you.
I would tell you every thing I know, & I would destroy you.
That filth whore wants me to take her shopping...
What would you do if I crashed the car?
What would you do if I left her in the middle of no-where?
What would you do if I did some thing worse?
You care about that whore more than your own fucking children.
I'm trying so hard to get her to leave.
But I can't tell her what you are.
If she doesn't know already.
I will get her away from you.
You'll never see her, or us, again if I have any thing to do with it.
Lay-down & die you scumbag.

Oh the things I would do...

To whom ever keeps calling the city about our freaking lawn:

You are the biggest dick head I have ever had the misfortune to meet.

GET A LIFE.
Why don't you stop wasting every ones time sticking your nose in other peoples business & do some thing productive with all the free time you seem to have?
GET A HOBBY & STOP BEING A FUCKING DOUCHE.

If you are so upsett by the lawns & homes of your hard working neighbors, why don't you move? Seriously, check yourself into & old-person's home & you wont have to worry about any one leaving a couple boards leaning against their garage, or not obsessively pulling all the weeds in their yard.

If I EVER find out who you are, you can bet I'm going to get you back ten-fold. I've never been one to seek revenge, but you crossed the fucking line. Ass-hole. But I can wait. And I can plan. I wont ever forget. And one day you'll regret ever messing with my family.

(P.S. Did I mention that you're a low-life, yellow-bellied, worm-eating, chicken-shit, fuck-head?)

Idecision, incinerating my insides.

I have a job! Well...yeah, no duh.

Basically, my hours at work have been cut. A lot.
For a month or so I was getting around 30 hours a week. Then, for the past couple weeks, I've been getting about...10. If that. And next week? Six and a half.

So I've been thinking about aplying at other places. I have stuff to pay for! And I owe Rockvalley money that I have to pay by the 22nd of July. I may only be 17, & I may still live with my parents, but I can't live on $48 a week.

Then I get this thing in the mail about a job & blah blah blah. It didn't really have much information, & seemed sort of weird, so I didn't even think about it. I figured they were recruting telemarketers or some thing.

When I found out that I was getting six & a half hours on the next schedule...telemarketing didn't sound so bad. Ya' know, just for a while.

So I submitted an aplication online, & had an interveiw only hours later. Pretty...expedient.

I went to the interveiw. Watched this demo thing. Filled out more papers. Turns out it wasn't for telemarketing, & it wasn't for door-to-door sales people or some thing annoying like that.
It was more along the lines of...Those jewlery parties? Except you make appointments with people one on one, show them the products, & so on. If I were to take the position, I'd be selling knives & stuff. They were really sweet, I'd buy one if A) I needed any knives & B) I had money to waste on knives that would be better spent on bills, gas & tuition.

It seems pretty laid back. For every appointment you are paid $15, even if the person you were meeting with didn't buy any thing. But if they did you would make %10 of the sale, or $15, which evers higher. So there's no presure to be that pushy sales person totally focused on numbers.(Which, my job seems to be turning into.)

It's some thing I think I could do, but I feel like I'd enjoy it even less than my currant position.
I hate having to sell things. I'm some one who knows what they want(at least when it comes to shopping, going to cafes, looking for sweet knives, & so on), & I don't need sales people showing me all these other great things their company thinks I need. I don't want you to tell me that the next size up is only 10 cents more, & I'll get four more ounces! I don't want you to tell me that if I buy one more I can get another for free/half off. I don't want to listen to you preaching about the differant merits of this great thing or that great thing.

It's bad enough where I work now. Baileys' putting so much emphasis on sales, hours are based on how well you sell. Rather than your great rapport with the customors, or how you can wip out drinks at an incredable speed(& have every drink taste great too!), or you abillity to juggle three jobs at once(making fraps, lattes, & helping the next customor at the same time? That takes tallent!) or whatever skills my favorite co-workers might have.

[Please note: I was not saying that I have any/all of the qualities listed. But a few of the people I work with do, & their hours have been slashed just as much as mine.]

So as much as I may want to, I don't know if I can take this job. If I'm not going to enjoy doing it, I'm not going to do it well, & if I'm not doing it well it wont even be worth my time.

But...My stubborn side is yelling at me now.
I talked to Chris right after the interview, & he was trying to talk me out of taking the position I was offerd. So even though I disagree with his reasons, & I have my own reasons for not taking the job, I don't want to admit it to him.

I can be quite obstinate.
But, I am not one of those pertinacious sales people that wont take no for an answer!

Ok, when I first got home from the interview I was thinking I'd take the job, then later on(as I was starting this blog) I was unsure & planned to talk to my mum about it before making a decision, but now I think the decision made it's self.

I do need more hours, I do want a differant job. But I wont be any happier with this one. There for, I shall leave an opening to be filled by some one more worthy/desperate.

Whew! There's a load off my mind! I'll call tomorrow & let them know.

Love & OH SHOOT I FORGOT TO GET GAS TODAY!
Ariel

If you were a castle I'd be your moat, & if you were an ocean I'd learn to float.

I wish I could be better at being friends with people.
It's not like I don't try.

I love the people I work with, & I'd love to be friends with them outside of work, but I just don't know how. I'm always so...reserved, I supose. I can't talk about my personal life with just any one, & because of that no one talks to me.

Like the other day, somebody was talking to so-&-so about this thing in three months thats kind of a big deal & every body knows about--except me. It really doesn't matter, I don't even care that I didn't get invited, but it would have been nice if they hadn't been talking about it right in front of me.

Actually, I do care. A lot. Even if I didn't go(I 'prolly wouldn't, I'm so awkward, I can't stand going to parties & stuff) it would have made me really happy to be inclueded.

There have been a ton of situations like that at work. I wont get invited, & later some one will ask, "why weren't you there the other night?" & I have to say I wasn't asked, & try not to let any one see just how much that hurts.

I don't know why this is getting to me so much right now. Things have been this way for most of my life. I sort of think that there must be some thing about me that people just don't like. Or maybe I'm just boring.

This blog is depressing.

I haven't been feeling quite right, so every thing I write is annoying & emo & self-centered.

Ugh.

Chris got his wisdom teeth pulled today. He's really...miserable. I don't remember it hurting that much when mine were pulled. But every one feels pain differantly, & there are a ton of factors involved in that. For one thing, my teeth have sort-of wimpy roots, & my oral surgeon said that the older you are the worse it is. So maybe thats why Chris's are causing him so much more pain.

Lalala, trying to think of some thing to write about that isn't sad...

Oh! On the drive home from Chris's house tonight, some thing rather creapy happend. I had just turned on to Charles from E.State, & this guy(who sort of looked like Brad Pitt, but not really) pulled up next to me. I glaced over(like you do) & was startled to see that he was staring at me. Not just looking, STARING. Then he let himself fall behind me. But every so often he would pull up next to me again & STARE. We drove like this, all the way from E. State to 20th. I was starting to think that this weird staring guy was following me. So I hit the gas(he kept pace, right next to me, staring all the while, despite the fact that we were driving 20 miles over the spead limit) & turned abruptly at 18th. I ended up taking an odd route home, but was pleased to find that Mr. Pitt was not following me.

I think that my powers over men are...scary. And I don't know how to turn them off. I sound like a bitch...I really don't think that I'm that sexy or any thing, it just seams that a lot of guys get the wrong idea about me & end up having huge crushes on me &...it's awkward.

I don't know if or when I'm flirting. Seriously. So I'm happy thinking I'm "just friends" with some one, then they go & ask me out, & POOF! We're no longer friends.

Like the guy from Highlander. Every time he came in Hope would be like "Omg Ariel, why are you talking to him? Don't you know he's madly in love with you? I am so going to tell Chris that you were flirting with another guy," & I never took her seriously. He & I? We were friends. At least, that's what I thought, untill the day I happend to be walking into the store just as he was coming in for his shift. We walked through the parking lot, chatting & what not, & when we got to the door he was like "...do you...maybe want to hang out some time?" Hang out. Oh how inocent that sounds! But I'm not 12, & I know that "hanging out" can often mean "go on a casual date."

Or that other guy from the mall, who was about to ask me out(trust me, you can tell), so hoping to avoid that awkward rejection thing I was like "Uh, I really have to go, my moms waiting for me. Nice talking to ya!" & power-walked away. Now he's sort of...rude, whenever I see him.(Which is all the time since he always comes to B&N for coffee.)

Fudge. I feel bad about it. And it's always really cool guys that I would love to hang out with & get to know better!

Well...Except for Creapy Charles. He was...much much older than me, knew I was only 16, & still did things like hold my hand when I was handing him his change & say things like "I just don't know what to say around you, you take my breath away." THAT was just scary. I couldn't walk around the mall(or even just B&N) by myself, 'cause some how, he'd always find me & corner me into awkward conversations.

Maybe I'm like a Siren. I entice sailors to their death.(Only with out all the singing, no one has ever fallen in love with my voice) My name is Ariel after all.

Haha, wow, ok. Feeling less sad-face now.

There was some thing else I wanted to write about...what on earth was it?

I just re-aranged the furniture in my room.(This actually happens fairly regularly) I love how it is now, but I wish I didn't have to clean & re-organize every thing now. I have to move all my posters too, I really don't feel like it though.

Uhm...ok, enough random jibber-jabber.

Love & fruit-snacks,
Ariel

Oh Micky, you're so fine...

After writing my last blog, I went back & read the stuff I wrote last year.

OHMYGOD I AM SO FREAKING NUTS.

Every other paragraph was about 'boyfriend'. Remember that dick? WHY was I so convinced that I LOVED him?! Lets get this straight, I was never in love with Nick B. I was just...obsessed.

I think it's actually a very good thing that he broke up with me when he did.

Even though I was depressed & not myself for about three months after. And that made the whole thing with John happen...& I sort of went a little crazy & did some things no one could be proud of...

Wow.
I'm not like that.
Really.

But...I almost wish I could go back to being me, before 'boyfriend' ever came along. I learned a lot from him & John, & later from Tim. But...I was so...relaxed.

Ohmygod I'm crazy.

Love & happy pills,
Ariel

This is why I fail at life.

Soooo, I don't think every one realizes how crazy my mood-swings are.
My parents do, Mad might, Chris....Eh, not really. Every one else? NO.

That's part of why this blog-a-doo is so weird. I get some-what annoyed about some thing, write a blog, & when I go back to read it a month later it strikes me as extreamly angry & insane.

Like the thing I wrote about Tammi & the laundry. I really wasn't that mad!

Ok, ok, I was mad. But just about the soap! Really! I didn't think that she was trying to keep me out of clean clothes.

Or when I said ''Some times I hate my bestfriend," well...yeah, I get mad at her. But I think I've only hated her once. And that was for a good reason. Sort of. Well it seemed to be at the time.

Really, I get moody, I get depressed, I get extreamly excited, have highs of happiness that make me feel like the world is all sunshine & bubbles & hypo-allergenic cats. For a while I thought I was manic-depressive because of all that. I might be!

There is some thing not quite right in my head. Of this, I am sure. I have no idea what, or why, I've never told any one about it, but some thing is...not right.

It's hard to explain.

ALL MY PANTS ARE DIRTY!

I am so fucking pissed off right now.

Tammi is the only person who has been doing laundry this week. I haven't actually been able to do any of my laundry because she always has some thing in the washer during my free time.

We have been to the grocery store three times in as many days.

I go downstairs this morning while Tammi is sleeping, hoping to wash some much needed clothing, only to find that we are totally out of detergant.

I'm broke, mom has the car, & I couldn't even get dressed to go to the store if I wanted to.

How am I suposed to wash my fucking clothes?

Why didn't she say some thing when we went to the store yesterday?

How much juice will I have to drink before I am able to pee on her laundry?

If I go buy soap, I'm going to hide it & not let her use any.
Stupid bitch.

This is silly...

Every once in a while I'll realize some thing that's been right in front of my face for ages.
I realize I'm alive, I realize it's spring, I realize I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. It's a good feeling.

Today I realized, I'm happy! I guess I've been happy most of my life. But real, complete happiness has always been a thing of moments for me. I'm happy dancing for my favorite band, I'm happy in His arms, I'm happy sitting in this tree. But beyond those blissful moments, I'm happy with an underlying tension. I'm happy, but I'm worried, I'm happy, but I'm sad, I'm happy, but I feel lost.

But I think, I'm really happy!
Not that I have no worries, but, I'm pretty sure they aren't as important as they used to be.

I have a little over an hour 'till I have to leave for work, so I think I'm gonna' go outside & draw with chalk.

=^-^=

Once upon a time there was a watch...

What the fuck-hole happend to March?! It's over all ready?! Wowza, I'm totally behind on the times!

(I use far to many exclamation points...)

Now it is April. Spring hath sprung! And the sky hath opend up in torents!
For Pete's sake, all this rain is driving me up the wall.(Actually, all this rain is making me feel like I ought to crawl in a hole & die.)

At work yesterday I realized that it was April first(why I haden't figured this out before is any one's guess). I got so excited that March was over that I ran(casually speed-walked) to the callender to count how many days there were before Chris & I go to New Jersey in May.(50 at the time, now it's 49)

I can not wait 'till May! Our trip is just a month away! I'm turning into Dr. Suess! To quit this ryme would be no use!

But ofcourse, realizing that the trip is so close(yet still so far!) sent me into a tail-spin of worry.
How much should I pack?
What's the airlines weight limmit for checked lugage?
What will I do with my extra stuff if it turns out that I've packed to much?
If I'm over prepaired will every one think I'm high matinence?
If I'm unprepaired will they think I'm stupid?
What will the weather be like when we get there?
Should I pack extra pants?
What about a jacket?
How many pairs of shoes should I bring?

OH GOD, I CAN'T STOP MAKING PACKING LISTS IN MY HEAD!

I am insane.

I really need to start saving money. As it is, I sort of feel like, I have no reason not to spend, so if I feel like buying a couple cute dresses for this summer, what's the harm? But I really want to move out of my mum & da's house ASAP, & for that, I shall need the money.

Part of the whole moving out thing is deciding if I really want to stay in Rockford. I'm young, I have a chance to leave this crap-hole before I'm stuck! But I don't think Chris really wants to leave, & I'm not prepaired to leave him.

Speak of the devil, Chris is here. So I shall end this before I really let crazy out of the bottle.

Love & tampons,
Ariel

What happens to the people you forget?

Some times I think I might just hate my best friend. She really gets on my nerves some times. She's really judgemental, & she's self centered, & she acts like she knows every thing.
Fuck. And whenever I point out her short-comings she gets really offended & freaks out.

We're IMing right now:
Mad: What's up?
Air: I want to kill myself, I hate the weather & stupid Ramen Noodles.

And what does she say? Any thing about my bad day?

Mad: I really really really want to learn how to play this song!

WTF?!

Please pardon my perplexing pants, they're a potent part of participating in piracy.

Would you think I was completely crazy if I said that I think some one might be trying to poison me? Yes? Alright then, forget I said any thing!

Mad & I went to see Chris's band play last friday.

I was feeling tired, & moody & didn't really want to be there. Mad was no help, since she was hungry, moody & didn't want to be there either.

It's not that I didn't want to be with Chris, or that I didn't want to see the band play, it's just...All of his friends are much older than me, (which is to be expected when you are a 17 year old dating a 20 year old,) & I feel like a little kid. The fact that I don't drink or smoke doesn't help either.

Over-all I'm glad I went. Watching Chris & the boys(Adam, AKA A.P., Brian, & Corey, AKA 'The Co.') play made up for the rest of the night. They are so rad!

Next time though, I think I'll bring snacks.

As of July 19th, I will oficialy be and adult. Whatever that means. So I guess I'm gonna' have to try an' do some thing with myself...Ugh.

I just enrolled at RVC. I have to take a placement test before I can sign up for classes, since I'm a new student & I want to go full time.(I wanted to go part time, but I'll get dropped from my mom's insurance if I get less than 12 credit hours, or some thing like that.)

Erica, my sort-of-cousin/co-worker, took me driving Sunday. I got to drive up to Dekalb! We stopped & said hi to a family she used to work for, & got food at Pita Petes. It was pretty cool, we got to talk a lot on the way there & back, since her car doesn't have a sterio.

I'm almost done reading the Watchmen! Did I mention Chris got me the book for Valentines day? I don't want to be a spoiler but I was really upset when some one was killed by so & so. And I can just marvel at Rorschach's ingenuity! Oh & when Dr. Manhattan changed his mind! I was shocked! He didn't seem to have any emotion whatsoever up until then.

When I started writing todays' blog, I wasn't feeling well at all. I wasn't feeling bad, so much as gloomy. I'm feeling better now, I guess some times I just need to sit & write some silly thoughts. It's relaxing.

Any-hoo, I have nothing more that I can say on the internet with out getting myself & others into much trouble. Have a lovely day!

Love & chickpeas,
Ariel

The things I've left undone, these thing are yet to come.

My goodness! Funny seeing you here? How long has it been since we last met? I'm sorry we fell out of touch, Blog. I would say "Oh I've just been so busy with work & Chris & Mad & the fam, I hardly have time to wash my own clothes!" (which is sort of true, I'm wearing my last clean shirt) but the time for excuses is long past. How 'bout I fill you in instead? I say it's about time we caught up!

I don't feel like writing in my journal any more, I think it might have to do with what my journal looks like. It's a fluffy orange book with a blue monster on the cover. Super cute as it may be, I find all the little illistrations on every page a wee-bit distracting. And so, I don't bother writing. I'm going to regret that a few years from now when I feel like reading about my 17-year-old self.

Ah well, such is life.

There have been a lot of other things I've left undone as well. Like laundry...but I did start cleaning my room the other day! It's still a sty, but a much tidier sty if I may say so myself.

Chris & I are still madly in love. A couple nights ago he told me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me!

Yesterday Chris, Mad & I hung out together. We went to Mary's Market(ohmygod french onion soup is sooooo good! I could eat it for every meal of the day) & to the ELB. It was sort of a slow night, but it was cool to see a few of the old peeps, & a couple of the new peeps. But I still feel to shy to dance in front of Chris.

Oh hold on a moment, Chris is here to deliver some tastey lunch!

And now back to the show.

My dad is leaving to start a new job tomorrow. He's gonna' be driving long distance again, so he'll be gone all week, & home every weekend. He used to drive over the road like four years ago, & I remember what it was like, but I think it's gonna' be weird not having him around all the time. But he'll be making a lot more cash than he was with his other job. Sooo....Yeah. Kinda' sucks.

My job is making me a little crazy. I've been working around 25 hours a week & I'm still not used to it. (hence the fact that I have no clean clothes.)Every day I get up around seven, scarf down some breaky, dress in a rush & hop off to work. I get off around three, go home, shower & all that jazz, & most days Chris picks me up around five. I don't get home 'till 10:30, & since I have to work early in the morning I just brush my teeth & hop in bed. I feel like I have no time at all.

When am I suposed to wash clothes? Do school-work?(I'm not in school, but I'm trying to get ahead in maths before I enroll at RVC next fall.) When do I fit in time for myself? I simply don't understand how people lead ballnced lives. Some of the people I work with have full time jobs outside of B&N, & lots of them have children! How on earth do they find the time?!

Hopefully I can figure out time for housework & myself, as simple as it is I don't think this pattern of sleep, work, Chris, sleep, work, Chris, is really going to work. I don't really want to cut-back on my hours though, since I want to save money to A) fix my car, B) pay for classes & such, & C) get a place of my own some time later this year or next.

Speaking of getting a place, I'm sort of having an issue with that. Actually, never mind. I want to tell some one about this but I'm not sure I'm ready to post it all over the interwebs.

I shouldn't have said any thing.

I'm very itchy all over. I feel like I have fleas. Eeew, fleas!
Ugh, I think I'm going to go take a shower.

Love & tacos,
Ariel

I feel chubby

I am in need of a hair cut, ASAP! I glanced in the mirror today(as I do every day) & realized that I look an awful lot like Raggedy Andy, only my hair is brown instead of hot-rod red. Also, I've been trying to figure out just how many haircuts(& when) I'll need for my hair to look perfect when Chris, & I(Jackie too) go to NJ to see his sister.

Oh I never wrote about that did I? Okay, so I every spring Chris & his mother(Jackie) fly to NJ to visit his sister(Corinna). And this year I was invited to tag along. I'm super excited to meet his sister, though I'm sure as our departure aproches I'll get more & more nervous, as always.

I keep thinking about May. Every time I go downstairs to do laundry I look at my suite case & think "Gosh, I really should bring that upstairs to let it air-out so all my clothes don't smell like the dungeon." But then I remember that it's only Feb. & if I brought it up, my case would only be taking up much needed space in my room for about three months. I think about east-cost weather a lot too. I keep wondering if it'll be warm enough for me to wear all my cute dresses & skirts & whether or not I should buy some shorts. But, once again, I remember that none of this is going to matter for another three months.

I've always been like this though. The first couple times I went to Arkansas with Madeleine, I would wash all my clothes & pack about a week ahead. Then, realizing that I had packed to much & that I had nothing to wear for a week, I'd basically live out of my suitcase until a day or two before we left. Going to Arizona for the summer when I was a kid was even worse! I'd sort out every thing I might want to bring, fold it & stack it neatly on my floor, almost two months before we left! I love making packing-lists too. Since I was an itty-bitty whenever I was sleeping over at a friend's house, going camping, or going on vacation, I'd write & rewrite list after list, making sure I didn't forget any thing--but I always forget some thing important.(Sun-screen, cameras, tooth brush, socks....)

Ugh, all I can think about is leaving Rockford.
I'll write more later.

Love & fishes,
Ariel