Sew sew sew sew sew.

SOOOOOOOO, I think a lot of my blogs start with so, & then when I go back to edit I think "I can't start off with 'so' what was I thinking?!" & remove the word.

It's not even that much of a word...

ANYPANTS!

I called in sick today. I shouldn't have, really. I need money! Plus I've been calling in sick a lot these days. I don't know if the MODS are keeping track of all that, but they cut the hours of people who don't show up--THERE FORE, I should not call in sick. But alas, I've have crushing pains in my chest/belly, as well as nausia & a nasty headache for TWO DAYS. I should have seen a doctor today, but instead I stayed home & sat around on my butt doing NOTHING.

I'm begining to think that seeing the doc is usless anyway. They poke & prod & take 8 vials of blood, only to say "Well, we're not sure what's wrong with you. Eat some bananas & come back friday & we'll start all over again." And every time I go see a doctor they give me meds I don't even need. If I don't have arthritis, why should I take celabrex? Eh?

Now then. Crushing pains, called in sick, what else? OH! I started working on the ears for Pooh's hoodie. I'm about half way done. I love sewing! It's going so much better this time. Last time I was using a weird fabric, & had no clue what I was doing! For Chris, I'm using fleece, & know just what to do! Yay!

I took a picture of the half finished ears & sent it with text to Chris. He has yet to text me back. >:[ It sure is nice to know he cares! I mean, sheesh doode, I'm making these for you! The least you could do is say "Cool!" Or "Awesome!" Or "Aww how cute, have I mentioned that I have the best gf ever?" Hehehe.

John is getting maried tomorrow. I forgot to ask for time off, so I'm going to miss the wedding.
:[ I think I'm going to get directions from my dad & go right after work though. Mad wants me to camp with her, but I don't know if I work Sunday.(It's a camp-out wedding!) I should 'prolly check.

Ugh, I hope I'm feeling better by tomorrow. I can't call in sick again, & I want to go to the camp out!

I wish I could just be healthy! I know loads of people are worse off than me, but I hate not knowing what's wrong. Joints shouldn't hurt for no reason! And neither should chests or bellies.

I can't even use my joint pain as an excuse to get out of work, since I don't know what it is.

RAWR. I feel sort of chipper even though I'm bored, lonley, & in pain.

WHY AM I SO HAPPY?! I should me MAD! Angry! Grumpy! Or at least listless for Pete's sake! Hahaha, I make me laugh some times.

Soooo, I wrote an e-mail to Tim today. Actually, I've been working on it all week. It's really short for some thing that took me all week to write. I just wasn't sure what to say! I haven't seen Tim since last August, & haven't e-mail him since January. I didn't even know him that long. I guess I just feel conected to him in a weird way.

Well....lets see...I think some one has been blogstalking me. Lets say this some one is...Wambeling Ding. No, no, to hard to remember. Um..Alex Some-Thing-Or-Other. No, makes me think of Alex. Uhm.....Humperdink! Like the prince! Yes.

So Humperdink has a crush on me, & starts blogstalking me. I know this because I blogstalked Humperdink, & he has quoted things I only said in this blog. So now we're both following each secretly. And writing about each other, with out mentioning each other. Teeheehee.

Anddd....I think some one should buy me this, http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=28082559&ref=sr_list_3&&ga_search_query=dopamine&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_page=&order=date_desc&includes[]=tags&includes[]=title

I love it, but I'd feel very lame buying it for myself. Plus, I never buy my own jewlery.

Okay, now I'm just typing every thing I think of 'cause I have nothing better to do. That's not true at all, I should do the laundry, or wash the tub, or box up more books, but I don't wanna! So I'm not gonna'! So there.

I really should go do some thing.

Love & milkshakes,
Ariel

P.s. I want to get this one for my mum: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=24464691

Why even ask if you know the answer?

So....I am in love.
This happend a while ago, every one who is a real part of my life knows this.

From the beginning of our relationship, I knew some thing like this would happen.
I'm not sure if I should write about it yet...

Crap. I'm going to, I don't care right now.

Basically, I've wanted to leave Rockford for an age. I am not a fan of this post-industrial, bible-belt town. We're the third largest city in Illinois, but to quote my mum, the worlds largest one-horse town. Rockford has no culture! I don't know if I've ever been happy here.

But then, I fell in love. I knew, right from the start that this would happen. I went on a rant about Rockford, & Chris confessed that he is the only person he knows of who is actually happy here. He likes Rockford.

He is also a bit of a mama's boy.

So now I'm moving. Across the country. And I don't know what to do with myself.

Whenever I'm alone, & I think about leaving Chris I cry my eyes out. But I know in my heart I can't stay just for him. If I stayed in Rockford for Chris, I'd end up resenting him for holding me back.

I'm still....hopeful.
I doubt that I'll want to stay in Arazona all my life. As much as I love it, I don't think it's right. So maybe one day I'll come back here. Or he'll move there. Or maybe we could meet half-way.

But I need to figure out what I'm doing with my life. I can't let a shitty-city hold me back from some thing amazing.

Gads, the idea of leaving Chris...When I imagine saying goodbye, it's like I'm getting ready to rip my soul in two. Fudge.

Love is such a strange thing. It can make you, it can break you. It can save your life, or ruin it forever.

And what is more important? A love that may not last? Or living my own life?

I don't want to settle into a mediocre existence. I always thought that was a horrable thing to happen to some one. I'm not the type to get married, have kids, settle into a job that means nothing to me. I want to live a life I love! I want to do some thing real. Some thing with meaning.

I can't just stay for love & forget all that.

And I doubt we would even get married. Chris...I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think he's the marrying type.

This is going to hurt so much, but how could I ever stay in Rockford?

Uhg. I'm not even sure why I feel the need to blog about this. I'm not having a hard time making up my mind. Even when I have second, third & forth thoughts I know I have to go.

But...ARG. This is going to suck ass-balls.

I don't even know what ass-balls are.

I wish...I wish I could know how things are going to play out. I wish I knew that every one lives happily ever after. Except...if Chris & I don't end up together, I don't want to know in advance.
In my mind, I have this pretty picture of us living together. He'll cook dinner. I'll sit around & read in my underpants while he tests his magic decks. He'll have a little work-shop where he can build guitars & basses & such. And I'll have...I don't know...a matching set of pots & pans?

What would I have? I don't know what's special to me. What would I have in our house that is specifically me? I think this is why I feel such a strong need to go, all though I suspect that I may end up coming back.

Does that mean I'm trying to...find myself? Perish the thought!
Good gravey. I'm not some hippie dork who goes out on a mission to find herself! What the crap?! Whatever happend to "creating yourself"?! I have become some thing I despise...

Oh well. So I guess this is what this is about. I have to figure out who the fuck I am & what the fuck I'm doing with my life.

Man...a few years ago things seemed so...solid. I knew who I was & what I was all about. Now? What do I even care about? I don't care for man-kind; I think life as we know it is doomed; & saving the earth is futile(it will be just fine when we are gone). And what do I really like? I like lovely gardens, but I don't have a green-thumb; I like beautiful buildings, but I dislike large cities; I like...cute things...Nothing matters! It's all temporary! Just a blip on our planets time-line!

Urgh. Maybe I do need to find myself, as stupid as that sounds.

Every time some one's like "I just need some time to find myself" I always picture them in their laundry room, calling their own name while looking through baskets & in the dryer.

I am a basket-case.

Whatever, I'm not going to worry about this now. I'm going to the getaway with Mad & the kids.
Love & tuna,
Ariel

Holy cows...

Um...wow....so, my blog is a little....insane?

Sheesh.

I don't think I'm really this crazy.

It just looks like it, because I only write blogs when I'm very happy, totally angry, or completley depressed.

This is not what my mind looks like, I SWEAR!

Oh gosh.

Well isn't this a mighty fine hippo?

I woke up itchy this morning.

I was in that half asleap, not really aware of what you're doing, stage, & realized I'd been scratching my face for a loooong time. So long that it was starting to hurt.
I could feel a couple bumps on my face, so I figured they were most likely mosquito bites.(I just couldn't figure out when I was bitten.)

So I go into the bathroom to grab some Benadryl, only to find that my whole face is covered in an itchy red rash.

WHAT THE CRAP?

I'm guessing allergic reaction.(Duh) But to what?

On the left side of my jaw there is a swollen bump, so maybe a bug bite? I'm not sure.

God it's on my neck too.

Why is my imune system so WEIRD?! I can't get chicken pox, I can roll in poison ivy with no ill affect, but mosquito bites turn in to giant lumpy purple things that itch for a week.

URRG!

Well, I'm not feeling dizy, & my throat's not swollen or tight, so I'm not going to worry about it to much. Hopefully it goes away soon though. If it's not gone by tomorrow I guess I'll go see a doctor. BLEH.

On to Otter things!

So my friend...lets call her Rachel, is madly in love with some one she can't have. Well, she can have him, he likes her too, but it's completley taboo. Oooooh drama. I don't want to explain, it's her drama not mine, but it's soooo cute. Gosh.

Speaking of soooo cute, there were baby shrews in my yard the other day! They were so cute I nearly died. One was sort of curled into a ball, & then he ran away...OHMYGOSH it was SO AMAZINGLY CUTE. Seriously. I couldn't breath for all the cuteness.

Um um um. What else do I have to write about? Loads. But what can I write about with out mentioning things I don't want every one to be able to read about? Hmmm.

I'm going to go back & re-read my last couple blogs to see what I've said. Hopefully nothing to stupid.

Love & cupcakes!
Ariel

a message in code

After this morning, I've decided it's time for S to know every thing. I'm scared to tell them, what if they don't see things the way I do? I'm sure S must suspect, but what if S doesn't want to do what I want? What if S wants to stay with B? What if S makes me come back?

I can't do that. One way or another I never want to see T & B again.

Should I just call S when they are off work? Or should I tell S face-to-face?

I don't know what would be best...

What I really want is for S to see things my way. We could leave, we could start over. It would be hard but we could.

What if S thinks its to risky? What if S wants to wait? If S is to worried about green to go I don't know what I could do.

I just have to wait 17 days, but I can't make S do any thing.

But I have to try. And I have to hope. And one way or another I'm never going to see T & B again.

Typing is hard when you just want to smash your keyboard

I hate this.
I hate this fucking shit.
I can't even blog about it it's so fucking bad.
I've known for a while.
Mads' known for longer.
Of course she has, our fucking neighbors knew.
Who else knows?
I'll bet every one does.
But things haven't been so bad, I thought maybe they were wrong.
Thought maybe I was wrong.
You dirty fucking scumbag.
How could you do this to us?
To me?
To her?
No matter what you do I will never forgive you.
I knew you were shit, for years, but I never told her.
And this, you fuck-head.
Do you know how many lives you're fucking up right now?
GOD DAMN YOU!
You are NOTHING to me.
Don't expect me to call when I'm gone.
I know what you are.
And I hate every thing you're made of, I hate you in every way I can.
I can forgive my enemies a thousand times over.
You have shown me what it's really like to hate.
I wish I had never existed.
I wish even more that you never existed.
Then you could never have fucked up so many lives.
She would have been great with out you.
Does she know?
Do you still tell her you love her?
If you walked through that door right now I would kill you.
I would tell you every thing I know, & I would destroy you.
That filth whore wants me to take her shopping...
What would you do if I crashed the car?
What would you do if I left her in the middle of no-where?
What would you do if I did some thing worse?
You care about that whore more than your own fucking children.
I'm trying so hard to get her to leave.
But I can't tell her what you are.
If she doesn't know already.
I will get her away from you.
You'll never see her, or us, again if I have any thing to do with it.
Lay-down & die you scumbag.