Drugs, my anti drug.

Went to RVC to hang with the homeschool homies today. My phone died so I had to wait for it to charge just the weensiest bit, & so I was quite late. What else is new, eh?

On my way to the student center I ran into Rene, Ashley & blast-from-the-past Ben. Cool-cool.

Oh, & every one had some thing to say about my outfit, which was nice. I feel pretty. :D Haha.

I stopped my Meg's on the way home & OHMYGADS, I tried this latte, fudge it was soooooooo good. Drooling now. Shoot I left it down stairs, hold on while I fetch it. I can't remember what flavor it is, some thing special. I dunno.

Jesus, Damien has gas. The living room smells of eggs. BLEH! It's gross.

Sooooo I really wish that I had known we were going to be in town this long. I dropped all of my classes when the whole moving thing came up. If I knew then what I knew now I would have at least taken some fun ones on an audit. My brain needs stretching! It's like "Aaaariel, what are you doing with your life? Now is the time to LEARN things! Worry when you're old!" Oh silly grey matter, I'll do some algebra later, okay?

I want to be in SCHOOL. Gaddamit.

So, I kinda' started thinking about maybe staying in Rockford....But the problem is, WHERE WILL I LIVE?! I can't afford to live on my own. Chris & Mad have both offered to let me stay with them, & I know their moms wouldn't mind, but...I don't want to live with some one elses mom when I could just as easily live with my own. Which is some thing no one seems to understand. I hate mooching! I don't like letting others pay for me.

So, yeah. I guess I'm still going. Which is kinda' going to suck.

I'm really looking forward to see all the fam again, & all that kinda' junk. But I'm not sure want to live in Douglas.

But I can't really stay here.

UGH.

Why didn't any one warn me that this kinda' crap would happen? I should have been saving my money instead of spending it all on dumb stuff.

Rawr. I saved my money when I was younger. Hardly ever spent a dime. Then I got older & started buying dumb things like clothes & coffee & other junk I don't need.

I wish I could afford to live on my own. I wish I was a smarty-pants & could go to school for free. I wish I knew what to do with my life. BLARG. I need a rich, long-lost uncle to help me out. Haha.

I need alergy meds ASAP. But I don't feel like buying them.

I'm going to surf zee web. Then maybe I'll do some packing. Or maybe I'll see about getting some new tires for my bike so's I can go for a ride & clear my head.

Love & lollipops,
Ariel

P.S. Alex is a brat. He payed for my lunch even though I told him not to. It was nice of him, but...I don't know. He's a brat. :P

Can't wait till I turn into a butterfly.

I think I'm...just crazy.

Things with Chris & I are fine! Peachy-keen! Groovy X 2! Fo' sho' yo'.

I think what happend was, he was acting slightly weird. Which worried me a little. Then we had this dumb little text-spat. And later he said some thing weird. And since I'm crazy & stressed about abso-freakin-lutely every thing these days, all these little dumb things added up & I had a mental freak out.

But we are fine! Yay. I really wasn't looking forward to seeing him today, but I'm really glad I went. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY. I'm happy. If you hadn't noticed.

Waaaa. Today was really groovy. I feel like a dork 'cause I have made zero progress on the packing, but it was worth it. I went out for brunch with mum, dad, & Aaron. Then I went over to Alex's house. (We watched Blues Brothers, an awesome movie, despite the fact that it is 4 million hours long.) Aaaand then I went over to Chris's house for a bit.

Hangin' with Alex is tons 'o fun.

DUDE. I had a super huge head-ache today. Some time between leaving Alex's house, & heading to Chris's, my head just...I don't know, but it felt like the dungeon master (the midevil kind, not the nerdy kind) was in there running amuck. It was almost like a migrane, but with out all the blindness & pukey times.

Oh, so, apparently Chris was a little, unsettled, about Alex & I hangin' mano y mano.
Which I found...laughable. Obviously, Chris is blind, I'm waaaaay to devoted to him to even think of another person that way. Spleash, he knows he can trust me. Ah well, he did warn me ages ago that he is sort of a jealous boyfriend, I'm glad this is the worst he's been. Most ''jealous boyfriends'' are fucking annoying a-holes. Chris just gets a little worried when I'm hanging one-on-one with guy friends. (Which happens how often? Seriously, when you have trust issues involing guys, you don't hang out one-on-one with guys friends, unless they are totally trust-worthy. I mean, I hate it when I have to work alone with Mat or John, & I'm never even really alone with them.) Also, I think it's funny that he knows how I am, & yet he's never worried when I hang out alone with cute girls...Haha.

Lalala, lets see...I'm not sure what else to write about. But I have to kill some time, 'cause I can't go to bed until the laundry is done.

I can never rememeber if 'until' is spelled with one 'L' or two. I'm looking that up now. It's one! Yay I spelled it right the first time!

Sooo dee doh dee doh....

Did I write about open mic night already? I don't know.

So Wednesday Mad & I played open mic at Hope & Anchor again. The first time we played (a couple weeks ago) we bombed. Hard. Man we sucked worse than a vacuum. But this time (last Wednesday) was AWESOME. Haha. We only messed up the second song, & every one thought it sounded good anyway. (Well, except the messed up part.) We played Lola by the Kinks, Walking with a Ghost by Tegan & Sara, & 500 Miles by...uh...damn I can never remember their name. The one about walking 1,000 miles.

Dude, I'm listening to Tunng right now, they are so freaking rad. I love them. Jenny again is my favorite song by them.

Also I love Tegan & Sara. I wish I was them. Only I wouldn't want to be both of them at the same time, 'cause that would be weird. Also, I don't think I'd really want to be either of them, 'cause as messed up as I am, I like being me. But I'd like to be as tallented as one/both of them.

Ho-kay, this blog-a-rog is getting very long. I'm going to check the laundry, & maybe go to bed. I don't know. Maybe not. Have I ever mentioned how much I like typing? Yes? Oh, well, I'll try not to say it again, but really, I LOVE typing.

Also I think I like crying. It's a great stress relief. Unless I'm at work, in which case is sucks. Or basically when I'm with any one at all. But when I'm by myself! It makes me feel better. And sleepy.

Man, back in the day, I cried like, once a year. And it was a big deal. Nothing made me, Ariel the great, cry. But this year....fuck man. My eyes are making up for lost time!

Haha.

Any-poo, I'll just be going now.

Love & saw-dust,
Ariel

Warning: Explicit content.

Last night I made a sort of realization. Well, I was sort of realizing some thing I already knew in the back of my mind.

I've been feeling really...neurotic, & a little clingy about Chris. At first I was blaming myself, thinking that it must be hormones or...I don't know...But I figured, Chris is being normal, I'm being neurotic, who's at fault? Me. But I'm not. I've been acting emotional & insecure because he's been acting different. He doesn't kiss me, he's not as goofy, he doesn't text me through out the day like he used to. He barely talks to me, when we hang out, we sit around & watch TV.

I guess I just feel like, he can't deal with me leaving, so he's slowly pushing me away. Putting a wedge between us. And it's breaking my fucking heart.

Fuck. I'm crying again. I'm going to melt into a puddle if I keep this up.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate boys? All they do is break your heart.

I thought we agreed that we're going to try the long distance thing? I thought we both wanted to stay together. But maybe I was wrong.

Last time I felt like this, like my wonderful boyfriend (Nick) was acting weird, not as affectionate, I decided to stick it out, maybe he was just having a rough time at work or some thing. And then he stomped all over my heart. So what am I suposed to expect this time? I told myself that if I ever got this feeling again, I would end things before I could get hurt. But how could I do that? I love Chris, I really do, how could I leave him for real?

But if he really loves me, how could he hurt me like this?

Goddamn it! Goddamnfuckingassshittitscockbitchmotherfucker.

I want to scream, & I want to cry, & I want to hug him, & punch him in the face all at the same time.

RAWR!

I wish I was a dinosaur. Things would be so much better that way.

My brain is to over loaded right now. I need to stop thinking.

Love & troll-dolls,
Ariel

No matter which way you go...

Woot! Just did open mic night at Hope & Anchor(I don't know how you spell that, & it is midnight, & I am tired, ther fore, NO SPELL CHECKING!) with my bestest friendster.(Mad, obvs.)

It went really well I think. Only a few minor screw ups, & every one was really nice! I actually am excited about next week! Haha.

I was waaaaay less jittery this time. And I LOVE singing. For real, with a mic, to people.

Wa-buh-blah. I just want to play my guitar all night, but I think I should sleep. Yes, my bed is beckoning with open arms. Wonderful fluffy arms made out of pillows...

Wait! Before I journey off to dream land, I want to mention that I have an awesome friend named Alex. AKA Humperdink. Am I'm not saying this to him, I'm saying this so that every one else will know. I really want to spend more time with him, & get to know him better. Yeas.

My blog is stranger than usual when I'm a sleepy like this. Mostly 'cuz I'm very very strange when sleepiness takes hold of me. I get loopy.

I had some thing I wanted to write about earlier. Actually, I started writing it while I was at work. I don't really remember what all I was going to say, but this is what I wrote down:

I really need to slow down on the deplorable dairy products, if I'm not more careful, I wont be able to mix a machiato, or create a capuccino with out becoming the one & only barfing barista.

Hahaha.

That made me laugh.

Love & late-night tacos,
Ariel

P.s. Mmm, tacos....

Hobgoblins are dancing here.

Lalala, I had stuff I wanted to write about, but I'm not sure what....

Well...Mad & I hung out with Alex the other day. It was loads of fun. We watched Juno (great movie, btw), then we went to Beef a Roooooooooo, & then...we walked around aimlessly untill we got to CVS. CVS has very comfy grass. And shopping carts that are fun to ride in/on. Haha.

Well....um...I really have nothing to write about.

I am sad today. I'm not sure why, but I think the day just started off wrong, & it's all been down hill from there. Poop. Blah. I hate it when I'm sad. I can't even get myself to do fun things, because I know they wont cheer me up. I'll just be sad while doing fun things. And I'll act all listless & pouty, making others worry about me. I hate it when I get like this. I hate it when people worry about me. I hate it when I get like this, 'cause then I start hating myself, because I can't snap out of it.

Life is hard. And sad. And no matter how hard you try, things can always go wrong.

Sadness sadness sadness.

I should stop writing this, I'm going to post it, & people will read it, & then I'll look crazy.

I'm not, I think.

But I don't want to stop writing, it makes me feel....some thing. Not really better, but I like it.

Blah. I need hugs.

I need I need I need. I can't stop myself from needing things I can't get on my own, I always need people, as much as I'd like to think I don't.

Love & snakes,
Ariel

This is my sweater song.

I feel...unsure, about moving right now.

Well, sort of. I'm still going for sure. Not about to change my mind.
But the weathers all lovely & fall-like, so I'm getting nostalgic. I love fall, & winter, & I wont get that on the other side of the country!

Also, I wish I was starting school. Right now would be a great time. Alex & a bunch of other people I know are going to RVC. So I'm finally the right age, & I wouldn't be totally alone.

But no. I'm moving right in the middle of fall semester. And I don't have any friends in Arazona.

Now is the time for me to be in school. Even if I'm only taking a couple classes. Rawr.

I don't have any money saved either. So I can't just enroll in the college in Douglas for the next semester.

Poop.

Did I mention that the ice machine tried to eat me the other day? There's this white thingy that holds the ice back, right? And the machine has this sensor thing, when there's not ice being held by the white thingy, the machine kicks on & makes more ice. So I'm filling a bucket with ice, my arms in the ice machine, & the white thing collapses. It's full of ice, by the way. It's early in the morning, I'm all alone in the cafe, & my arm is stuck under 50 pounds of ice. Now, since the white thing isn't holding up all the ice(it's on my arm, remember?) the machine starts making more ice. It was sort of horrid. I was stuck for about 5 minutes. And it was really cold.

I feel like I have issues.

Mostly the kind that are in my head.

My car smells kinda' weird. And it's never the same smell. Some times it smells musty. Some times it smells like oil. Some times it smells...just...weird.

I seriously can not wait untill Where the Wild Things Are comes out. I'M GOING TO CRAP MY PANTS I'M SO EXCITED. Ohmygosh.

Ra-ra-shish-boom-bah!

You know what movie I want to watch right now? Juno. I haven't seen that since...The day Nick asked me out. When was that? Last year? I don't know, but we saw it in theaters, & I loved it. But after he broke up with me I couldn't stand the idea. I couldn't even listen to the sound track for at least 4 monthes. What a good movie!

Raaaawrrr. I don't feel like getting off my butt. But I don't have any thing to write about.(As if that's ever stopped me before.)

I'm really hot. I might want to take off this sweater. But since I'm not wearing any thing under it I would have to go downstairs & get a shirt. Otherwise I'd be sitting in my mum's room topless. And that would be weird. And I don't want to get up.

Laziness.

Is the time stamp on your blog from when you started it, or when you posted it? Not sure. It's now 7:50 & I wonder when I started writing this.

Blah blah blah.

Still typing non-stop. I'm trying to just keep my fingers moving.

Well dang. Mum started talking to me so I had to take a finger-break. That sounded creapy. I just ment that I couldn't type non-stop. Typing is fun! Woooooooooh!

I should have some sort of secretarial job so I can just type all the time. Or get certified as a medical trascriptionist like I want.

Typing typing typing.

Mums staring at me. I'm typing while staring at her. Not going to fix any errors made while doing this. Shes's stiking her tounge at me.

Looking at the screen again. I ment she's sticking her tounge out at me. In creepy ways.

I got free cake last night. It was really good. Well, I don't really like cake, but the frosting was yummy x 2.

Ok, I'm done with my randomness for now.

Love & shotguns,
Ariel

P.s. Mads here yo.

Tra-la-la-la-laaaaa!

The contractors are working on re-siding our house today. Lots & lots of hammering! It was really creepy to take a shower this morning, 'cause they were banging on the bathroom wall(that reminds me of an old song, haha), & I could even hear them talking! Aaah! It was...weird. I didn't want them to hear me showering, or worse...using the toilet. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

What now?

I have to go to work.

I shall write more tonight!

Love & latkes,
Ariel

good health can be disappointing.

Just got a call from the clinic, results on my last set of blood tests is in!

I was so hopeful, thought maybe this time I'd get a real answer. I shouldn't be aching for no reason right? Some thing has to be causing this!

But no. Blood tests show I'm slightly anemic, but nothing to worry about. Every thing else is normal.

So what does that mean for me? Why can't some one tell me what is wrong?!

I should be happy that every thing's normal. But I still hurt. And it's getting worse.

I've had joint pain for more than two years, & no one can give me a reason!

God I'm about to cry. I just want to know! This is so disappointing!

People don't hurt like this for no reason! I'm not just a little sore, or achey, this pain is ruling my life! I don't go run around with the kids 'cause my knees hurt, I don't climb trees any more 'cause my hips hurt, I can barely hold my guitar 'cause my fingers hurt! Why can't some one explain it to me? Can't any one tell me what' s wrong?!

I want answers! Goddamnit!

I'm so fucking tired of pain, & I'm even more tired of pain with out reason.
It's just some thing to be endured if it's getting worse. I feel like I'm falling apart!
Even typing hurts.

I can't do this, I can't do that, because it hurts to much. This isn't normal! There has to be a reason!

Fuck this shit.
Ariel

P.s. Figured out chest pains. It's anxiety. This has happend before. :/ I figured it out when I was telling Sharon why I wasn't feeling well. I said "It's sort of like having a panic-attack, except I'm not panicing, & it's constant." After that it hit me, & I remembered the last couple times I had anxiety issues & how it felt. Knowing what the problem was, was a huge relief. Now when my chest starts hurting, I stop, breathe deaply, & think happy thoughts. :]