Note to self

Recently I've come to the realization that age, like most things in life, is subjective.

When you're 10, 19 sounds old. Not old old like your great-grandparents, but still at least half a million years away. Those nine years sound like a life-time, then next thing you know you're 40, & those 19-year-olds look like babys to you.

I've been thinking about age a lot this week. Mostly because no one in Douglas believes that I'm 18.

When I started working at B & N (only 16 years old at the time) people would some times ask how old I was. Usually guys in their late 20s or 30s, usually when I was working by myself. Instead of telling them right away, I'd make them guess first, it was kind of a game, & I kept a tally of the answers in my head. The average guess was around 18-20, legal, but certainly not old enough to drink. (Little did they know, 17 is actually the legal age of consent in Illinois. Please do not ask how I know this.) These guys were always a little flirtatious, so I quickly chalked it up to wishful-thinking, after-all, I'd played this same game with high-school boys & they always thought I was 14. (Which I found extremely insulting at the mature, enlightened age of 16.)

But now it's the complete opposite. I don't know if it's because of where I am, or the fact that I'm one of the three white teen aged girls in Douglas, or if my face has suddenly de-aged almost two years, but no one believes that I'm going to be 19 in three short months. Maybe it's because I'm not pushing a stroller or sporting a baby-bulge. Just from looking around the grocery store I'd guess that half the female population under the age of 18 either has a kid, or is going to with in the next few months.

That was actually one of the first things I was told when I got to Douglas, teen aged pregnancies are pretty much normal here. It's like an epidemic...

>:[

Soo...Everybody sucks.

I guess my mom (& grandparents, & dad) don't think I should go back to Rockford. So now mom wants me to aply for this job, that would be super awesome, but is here in AZ & lasts all summer.

I admit, it's a really sweet opertunity. But I've broken enough promises. I'm not chosing a job over Chris.

Speaking of promises, now Chris wants me to come home a week earlier. I think he'll be upsett if I say no, but I can't. I told mom & dad & Aaron that I wouldn't be leaving 'till June.

Ugh, he want's me to leave early, the family wants me to stay late. Why can't they all just be happy with what I want?

Fuuuuuck. My life is not suposed to go like this!

Food for sleep

Have you ever lay in bed at night, slowly drifting off, rehashing the days events? Have you ever lay in bed rehashing the days events, & suddenly thought of food? Have you ever suddenly thought of food in bed, & not been able to sleep until you eat said food?

This is a problem I have a lot.

I love food. I spend a great deal of time eating it, & thinking about it. I love to indulge my random cravings, & I think it's better for my own well-being that I don't stop myself from eating what I love. But because I'm so...self indulgent, I have zero self-control.

So it's around 12:00 am, I'm not very tired, but my thoughts are drifting. I start thinking about a blog I read, in which there is a very random, & irrelevent line about how much the author hates olive tapenade. I don't remember the rest of the blog, but some how that one line stuck in my head.

Did I mention I love olive tapenade?

I ended up laying in bed for another half an hour thinking about tapenade, & olives in gereral, while trying to convince myself that I'd rather stay in bed, than go digging in the back of the fridge--where I know there will be some delicious sicilian olives.

My stomach won the battle. It always does. Thankfully, it was just olives, & not some thing weird that we wouldn't have in the house.

So I've had my olives, now I'm having a hot cup of tea. Hopefully I'll be asleap with in the next hour.

Love & catfish,
Ariel