Why even ask if you know the answer?

So....I am in love.
This happend a while ago, every one who is a real part of my life knows this.

From the beginning of our relationship, I knew some thing like this would happen.
I'm not sure if I should write about it yet...

Crap. I'm going to, I don't care right now.

Basically, I've wanted to leave Rockford for an age. I am not a fan of this post-industrial, bible-belt town. We're the third largest city in Illinois, but to quote my mum, the worlds largest one-horse town. Rockford has no culture! I don't know if I've ever been happy here.

But then, I fell in love. I knew, right from the start that this would happen. I went on a rant about Rockford, & Chris confessed that he is the only person he knows of who is actually happy here. He likes Rockford.

He is also a bit of a mama's boy.

So now I'm moving. Across the country. And I don't know what to do with myself.

Whenever I'm alone, & I think about leaving Chris I cry my eyes out. But I know in my heart I can't stay just for him. If I stayed in Rockford for Chris, I'd end up resenting him for holding me back.

I'm still....hopeful.
I doubt that I'll want to stay in Arazona all my life. As much as I love it, I don't think it's right. So maybe one day I'll come back here. Or he'll move there. Or maybe we could meet half-way.

But I need to figure out what I'm doing with my life. I can't let a shitty-city hold me back from some thing amazing.

Gads, the idea of leaving Chris...When I imagine saying goodbye, it's like I'm getting ready to rip my soul in two. Fudge.

Love is such a strange thing. It can make you, it can break you. It can save your life, or ruin it forever.

And what is more important? A love that may not last? Or living my own life?

I don't want to settle into a mediocre existence. I always thought that was a horrable thing to happen to some one. I'm not the type to get married, have kids, settle into a job that means nothing to me. I want to live a life I love! I want to do some thing real. Some thing with meaning.

I can't just stay for love & forget all that.

And I doubt we would even get married. Chris...I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think he's the marrying type.

This is going to hurt so much, but how could I ever stay in Rockford?

Uhg. I'm not even sure why I feel the need to blog about this. I'm not having a hard time making up my mind. Even when I have second, third & forth thoughts I know I have to go.

But...ARG. This is going to suck ass-balls.

I don't even know what ass-balls are.

I wish...I wish I could know how things are going to play out. I wish I knew that every one lives happily ever after. Except...if Chris & I don't end up together, I don't want to know in advance.
In my mind, I have this pretty picture of us living together. He'll cook dinner. I'll sit around & read in my underpants while he tests his magic decks. He'll have a little work-shop where he can build guitars & basses & such. And I'll have...I don't know...a matching set of pots & pans?

What would I have? I don't know what's special to me. What would I have in our house that is specifically me? I think this is why I feel such a strong need to go, all though I suspect that I may end up coming back.

Does that mean I'm trying to...find myself? Perish the thought!
Good gravey. I'm not some hippie dork who goes out on a mission to find herself! What the crap?! Whatever happend to "creating yourself"?! I have become some thing I despise...

Oh well. So I guess this is what this is about. I have to figure out who the fuck I am & what the fuck I'm doing with my life.

Man...a few years ago things seemed so...solid. I knew who I was & what I was all about. Now? What do I even care about? I don't care for man-kind; I think life as we know it is doomed; & saving the earth is futile(it will be just fine when we are gone). And what do I really like? I like lovely gardens, but I don't have a green-thumb; I like beautiful buildings, but I dislike large cities; I like...cute things...Nothing matters! It's all temporary! Just a blip on our planets time-line!

Urgh. Maybe I do need to find myself, as stupid as that sounds.

Every time some one's like "I just need some time to find myself" I always picture them in their laundry room, calling their own name while looking through baskets & in the dryer.

I am a basket-case.

Whatever, I'm not going to worry about this now. I'm going to the getaway with Mad & the kids.
Love & tuna,
Ariel