writers block

Hello dear blog! How was your Christmas? Mine was surprisingly good.

Christmas eve, Uncle Jerry, Tony(my awesome cousin), Jael(Grandma's best friend), Katriel(Jael's daughter), Alan(Jael's brother), & Jael's mom, all came over for dinner. It was really fun. Oh, my Uncle Jason is also here for the hollidays!

Christmas day, we all went over to my Aunt Margie's for dinner & such. It was much quieter than the night before, but still fun.

I felt rather guilty Christmas day. I received lots of great gifts from...every one! Even Jael & Katriel gave me some thing. I feel greatful, but undeserving, since I didn't get any one any thing. I'm sure every one understands, but I wish I could have done some thing. I have so many family members & friends that I love, that are important to me, I wish I could have given every one the presents they deserve.

Oh well, I'll do my best to make it up next year!

Before the hollidays, mom finally moved down here! Dad helped her move, & he brought my Uncle Will, (who is thinking about moving to Tucson) & the best before-Christmas present ever, Madeleine! I wish I'd had more time to spend with my dad & Mad, but it was awesome to see them again.

Now what? Um....Well, I'm feel extreamly angsty for various reasons. But...I don't really feel like writing about that right now. In fact, I think I'm done with this blog. I'm tired of writing about my life's drama.

Love & beans,
Ariel

Hello darkness, my old friend

Dear Universe,

You are cruel, harsh, unfair, twisted. You just can't let me live a peaceful life, can you? You have plans & intentions to big for me to get my head around.

All I want is to live a happy life, but you wont stand for that will you? You have to take every dream & turn it into a nightmare.

What's your problem anyway?

Spitefully yours,
Ariel

RAWR

Dear (any one),

Please give me a job.

I learn quick, & always work hard. I'm hardly ever late, & I swear I wont call in sick unless I'm really sick.

I know I'm young, & sort of inexperienced, & there are plenty of other people who want the job you have to give, but you wont regret it if you hire me.

I'll work as much or as little as you need!

I really need this job.

Please & thank you!
Ariel

This is a blog.

I took Aaron to Bisbee yesterday. It was nice, we window shopped for a while, (I found waaay to many things I wanted to buy) & we spent more of Aaron's money than we should have.

Aaron was mistaken for a girl twice, hahaha! That seems to be happening a lot since we got here. It's really weird since he doesn't even have long hair. Maybe if he was walking around with boys instead of me, people wouldn't think he was female. I mean, we look a lot alike, & his voice hasn't started changing yet, so I guess people just assume he's my sister. Whatever the reason, it makes me crack up. I try to make Aaron feel better about it, but I can't help but laugh.

Today I went with Jael & her daughter Katriel to this art thing at the college. It was cool, free soup, music, art, giant bonfires. Did I mention free soup?

Jael kept introducing me to people, telling them I'm new to town & don't know what to do with myself. Which is true, I guess, but to be honest, I'm not really in the market for new friends. If I had any cash flow, I'd want to save it, not spend it on silly outings with friends. I'm leaving in June at the latest, (assuming I actually go to school like my mom & dad want) so I don't really see the point in wasting time on people I wont keep in touch with.

But Jael doesn't know that. Neither do my grandparents. I haven't really told many people that I intend to move back. Just my parents & maybe three friends.

I'm not really sure why I'm not telling people. I'm sure I have a good reason, I just don't know what it is yet. Some thing in my gut tells me to keep my mouth shut for now.

That's all for now. I'm not really in a writing mood.
Love & onions,
Ariel

This title is grey.

Soooo, hmm...

Here's my to-do list:

• Get out of the house.
• Move. (As in, get off your butt, go for a walk.)
• Smile. (Try not to fake it.)
• Keep trying to find a job. (Even though you'd rather give up, & spend your time watching tv & eating chips.)
• Do not sulk or dwell. (You're going to do it anyway, but try not to do it for more than a few minutes at a time.)

I think that pretty much sums up how I'm feeling tonight. Maybe not.

Singin' in the rain, I'm singin' in the rain!

I can't sleep. Again. This seems to be a growing trend in my life. No matter how tired I am, when I lay down & close my eyes, it's like I just drank a steaming hot pot of coffee. Or three. Unwanted thoughts, hidden in the shadows during the day, creep & crawl through my head at night. Some times I feel so paranoid, I start to panic. It's like spiders under my skin.

So here I am, in my pj's, at one in the morning, writing a blog, & eating ice-cream. (I swear I am going to gain 50 pounds while I'm here.)

I can not wait to go home. Mum & dad have both asked me to finnish at least one semester at Cochise before I move back. But I don't know if I can wait that long.

You know that dumb saying, home is where the heart is? Well, as it turns out, that dumb saying is totally true.

Fuck me for falling in love. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Some times I wonder if I'm making a huge mistake. Moving back to Rockford for Chris.

I wonder if my mom ever feels like she made a huge mistake. She fell in love, & married my dad when she was just 19. She didn't finnish college, because my parents decided to have me, before my dad was shipped off to Saudi Arabia. She was only 20.

Not that I plan on getting married, or having children any time soon. But I'm sort of doing the same thing. Like mother, like daughter?

I never pictured my life going like this. Actually, I never really saw myself falling in love. Not like this. Sure, every girl wants a prince, (or princess) but...I never thought it would happen.

I'm...happy. When I think about what Chris & I have. But right now...I think he sort of hates me. To him, it feels like I didn't love him enough to stay. I feel so...awful. I feel guilty, for hurting him. That's the last thing I wanted to do.

Even though I'm not really happy here right now, & I can't wait to go home, I think I'd be just as un-happy if I had stayed. The grass is always greener, right? I would have watched my mother, my brother, & my father, leave. Move away to sunny Arizona. And I would have hated Chris for making me stay. But now I know that this isn't where I need to be. So it's more like...an extended vacation. I get to hang out with my family, & meet some new friends, but soon I'll head for my real home.

Soooo....enough sad talk. I am not in the like. I've been crying every day for weeks, so I could use happy thoughts.

Ehh, happy thoughts are not forth-coming. So I shall end this for now.

Love & prozac,
Ariel

ARGH!

I'm taking a break from painting right now. When I started last night it was relaxing & peaceful & painting #1 turned out awesome. But then I decided to paint another to match it, I wanted them to tell a story. But I can not get the second one right. First the background was all wrong, & the colors were to dark to paint over. So I had this awesome idea, I'll just cut out the main focal point, paint a new background, & glue my focal point on. It'll look interesting & give the picture a little more depth. So I cut it out, started painting a new background, & it turned out AWFUL. Worse then the first. That's when I put my brush down, & took a step back. If I'm getting annoyed, frustrated, or pissed off while I'm painting, it's time for a break. A good, long, break. And some food.

I really like the idea behind the two paintings, & I'd really like to finnish the second. I just hope I get it right next time. If not then....I'll just stick to sewing instead of painting.

Love & water colors,
Ariel